For my cousin Billy and all who made the ultimate sacrifice for our country…THANK YOU!
With Gratitude and Humility
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Conditioned Fear
I received the sweetest email from a concerned reader. He thought it might be in my best interest to not write when I am struggling because it opens me up to negative comments and criticism. He didn’t want me to be embarrassed. I always appreciate when someone genuinely has concern for me, but I am not embarrassed.
This blog is an accurate and honest journal of my healing process. That process is not always pretty and it would be a lie for me to pretend it was. I know there are so many strong folks out there, many of them women and many who have handled their situations better and I applaud them for that, but there are also many more who, like me, have found the healing to be a bit more work.
Colonel Grossman has this to say…
Conditioned fear can be extremely difficult to extinguish. It cannot be eliminated through passive deterioration or even active attempts to do so. Even if it seems that it has been extinguished, stress may cause it to reappear. What this means is that giving warriors the experience of losing in a simulation actually begins to condition a risk aversion pathway in the brain to which they may turn during similar experiences in the future—they may actually stop fighting and give up as they were programmed to do in training.Lt. Col. Dave Grossman, On Combat …
Conditioned fear can be EXTREMELY difficult to extinguish…It cannot be eliminated…even active attempts to do so.
Not being able to overcome 30 years of fear conditioning is not a matter of lack of will power or drama. It takes times and a lot of work to change those neural pathways.
It is why I am relentless in my nagging of John and Arete to train. It’s not just something that is fun, that I like to do, it is something I need to do. I need it. I need to actively change my neural pathways.
It is why I am very stubborn about not being coddled in training. Coddling actually achieves the opposite of the intended goal.
Contest Winners 2 & 3
Just got emails from Colleen and Mazie. Guess what??? They both are now armed women!!
Mazie bought the Ruger SP 101. Part of her email to me…
I finally bought my gun, AGirl, the Ruger SP101 .327 Federal Magnum revolver. Now I have my Browning Buck Mark .22 semi-automatic handgun, and my Ruger SP101 .327 Fed Mag revolver. How wonderful is that!? I had to sell the Glock 9mm because it just didn’t fit my hand well. It was too fat and blocky for me to hold well. I sure loved my Glock though! I do plan on buying another 9mm in the near future. I emailed the nice people who offered to donate ammo with the details and they’re going to get the ammo out to me. What wonderful folks! I can’t express enough how grateful I am for all.
Colleen purchased the new S&W Shield. This is what she had to say…
My S&W M&P9 Shield came in yesterday!!!!!! I read articles, comments, forums, and saw videos with so many positive on this darn gun, I finally went for it. Yeah, I was a little nervous, but I loved the feel and shootability of the M&Pc, so I trusted my gut. It feels SO DARN AWESOME in my hands it’s unbelievable. I really love how slim it is… I can reach everything so easily. Even with the shorter magazine, I can still get all fingers wrapped around the side of it. I love the feel of the trigger! I just cannot wait to shoot it!!!! I expected racking the slide on this new gun to be much more difficult, but I must’ve done it 30 times last night without much issue. Guns always felt “fat” in my hands, but I feel like it just fits like it was made for me. Ok, I’ll take a chill pill and settle down… or at least try!
Is it just me or do these two sound really happy?
In Which I Say Enough
Hey, don’t come here and be annoying and then email me and be more annoying. I am trying here to be super understanding, but I am pretty much at my limit and the new me is not so much gonna put up with it, so seriously, settle.
However, I did respect your wishes and remove your comments and my response to it.
Conversation With Arete
**Edited for brevity and some of it is personal and private, so I did not include that**
This is midway into the conversation…
A-I knew something was up. I just didn’t say anything.
Me-That would have been a helpful tid bit of information to know.
A-And what would you have said, if I asked what was wrong?
Me-I would have said nothing was wrong.
A-Exactly and then what would have happened “Miss dig my heels in and won’t budge an inch?”
Me-Not really enjoying the mental part of this training. Would rather just be able to fight.
A-Can’t have one without the other.
Me-Yeah, I know. It’s good that I figured it out for myself.
A pause between texts
A-Did you call me an ass on your blog?
Me-Yes
A-Laughing
Memorial Day
Fun Times Ahead
Tomorrow and Sunday I work at FPF Training. It is a Conceal Carry For Self Defensive class and you all know how much I love those. I am giving you a 3 day warning, so you can prepare yourself for one of my long winded, OH MY GOSH, I LOVE MY LIFE, posts.
On June 2nd, I am heading to Nancy R.’s place for a Kid Shoot! Never been to one, but I am betting that it will rock!
June 9th is the first National Take Your Daughter To The Range Day and I am about bursting out of my skin with excitement. So honored to be a part of it!
One last thing, not even worth mentioning really, but it appears that standing by while I get myself worked up into a tizzy then waiting and watching to see if I either pull it together or completely self destruct is a plan of some people. I am not going to mention any names, but is starts with an A and ends with an ASS. That might not be the most common way of spelling it though.
My Own Worst Enemy
Breaking news here folks…no one can mess you up more than you can mess yourself up or maybe it’s just me.
Occasionally in the past few months I have let other people get into my head and once that happens I am incapable of processing information. It becomes like a very intense ping pong game inside my head.
Ping:You are this or that.
Pong:No you are no this or that.
Ping:Yes you are this or that.
For a while now, I have been crystal clear on where I stand. My beliefs are not so much beliefs anymore as much as they are actually who I am. The thoughts are woven so tightly into the fibers of my mind that I don’t think it’s me, it is me. I have stopped thinking and instead just conducted myself from that place inside me that has become who I am. No second guessing. No analyzing. Just being.
The problem isn’t that I don’t know who I am or what I am capable of, the problem is when I start putting more stock into what someone else says is true of me rather than holding fast to what I know is true of me. When I allow that to happen, I start to override my own beliefs in favor of theirs and a very ugly internal battle ensues.
No big deal. Lesson learned…again. I am back to my calm, cool, collected, very self-aware self. All is, once again, good to go in AGirlland.
Five Guns
Monty On Guns wrote a post called “Five Guns That Changed History”. He had read an article with the same title, but decided he did not agree with the findings, so he made his own list. Last night I was watching the Military Channel’s Ultimate Weapons. They were listing their top gun choices for close quarter battles which reminded me of Monty’s post, so I posted that on my FB. Monty liked my status and commented, “Can’t wait to see your list.”
I don’t really have a list for guns that changed history or that I would use if I were in a close quarter military type battle, but I do have my favs. Here is goes…
5. M1 Garand- Love the history, love the look, love the feel.
4. Mosin-Nagant- Love the history, love the look, love the feel.
3. M1 Garand- Love the kick
2. Mosin-Nagant- Love the kick
1. Tie between the M1 Garand & Mosin-Nagant- They make me happy…REALLY, REALLY HAPPY!!!
Honorable mention-the M&P that sits on my hip-it’s a fairly good equalizer.
An Update- “You Make It Sound So Easy”
Remember the woman who left a comment on my blog and said “you make it sound so easy”? Well, she did connect me right after that post and we have been chit chatting. She wanted me to tell you all that she is doing ok. At that time I encouraged her to think about finding someone she could talk to because as much as I wanted to help, I was not qualified to do so. She was already ready to take that step and she did find a support group at a local hospital. She says it has been a fabulous place for her and she finds hope and strength there.
I think that she is incredibly brave to have reached out and amazingly strong to face this ugliness head and to not take the easy way. To not just sit back and suffer, but to fight the fight and find her way back.
She is not ready to post here again. She said someday she hopes to share her story with all of you, but she just can’t do that yet. She does read the blog though, so feel free to offer her words of support.
I will start. You know this already, but I am so, so, very proud of you!! Your determination to fight for your own life is an inspiration. I know it has been a much longer struggle for you, but you have not given up and for that you should be mighty proud. I am beyond thankful that you left a comment and I am so thankful that I get to be on this journey of healing with you!