One last thing on my training with Arete and my inability to hit him. Isn’t going to be the last thing on training just hopefully on “not” hitting him.

Last night my husband and I had a lively discussion.  We were not fighting and it was not contentious or anything like that, but we were passionately discussing whatever.  At one point he said, hit me.  He was just being silly and trying to add levity to a heavy discussion.  Of course, I laughed and said I don’t think so.  He laughed and said it again.  Hit me.  He said, you are all kinds of worked up, I bet you could hurt me. Working on my mindset has become a 24/7 kind of thing for the people in my life, apparently.

As an aside, “all kinds of worked up” for me means, I talk fast and kind of pace around.  No cussing, no throwing of objects, no desire to hurt anyone. 

He was 100% joking and I did not hit him.  This isn’t about the fact that if one is upset they probably shouldn’t go around hitting people.  Of course, not.  My husband isn’t a bad guy and hitting him in anger(I was not angry, anyway) is not part of any kind of training.  He was joking. No one needs to leave a comment about how that should not be my goal.  If anonymous is reading this.  IT WAS A JOKE.

But, it got me thinking…maybe the reason I can’t hit Arete is that he is not a bad guy.  Maybe I have been over thinking things(it has been suggested by a few that I do this)  On Friday when I did not hit him, I was frustrated and the main reason was because it surprised me that I couldn’t, but really it wasn’t that I couldn’t, it was that I didn’t.  There were 2 times that I came very close to hitting him.  He was annoying me and making me mad and when I was getting mad at him, I felt like hitting him.  So, good guy, don’t want to hit you.  Acting like a jerk, kind of want to hit you.  I have never felt like wanting to hit someone before, but I did want to. That’s progress.

If you ask me if I think I could tear a part a bad guy with my bare hands and do whatever it takes to stop his attack,  I will say, yes and I will mean it.  Just like with my gun, I play scenarios over and over in my mind of doing just that.  I try to be as graphic and brutal in my thoughts and my imagination as possible and I never cry or feel bad or think, “Oh, I will never be able to do that.”  Just the opposite.  I think, “I can do that”  and I usually get very motivated and want to call up Arete and say, “Please, please, please meet me I am so ready to hit you”.

Maybe the mental block is not in my lack of wolfness. Maybe it is in my inability to separate out that he is not a bad guy and then over thinking it and then turning it into meaning something it doesn’t.

Maybe I am learning things and maybe my mind is changing and honestly, I do believe to my core that  if a bad guy came after me, I would be able to hit, punch, kick, gouge his eyes out and/or any other number of violent responses to the threat. 

Regardless, I am sick to death of this internal battle. I am done. I am so done.  I did actually for a split second think of driving to his work and saying, enough.  This has to end, now, but I thought better of it. Showing up at a place of business, storming in his office and punching him seems like a situation that would end poorly for me, so I will wait for a scheduled meeting, but  I am telling you, the next time I train, I AM going to hit him.  I think I will wait until he says to though(sorry 45er) cuz  he hits hard and I just don’t think a surprise attack on a trained sniper is a good idea.  Maybe I will save that for the next session or perhaps the one after that…

I DID IT.  I finished Above Reproach!!!  You people should get this book.  Not gonna tell you anything about it because that would ruin the fun for you, but I will say I loved it! 

There is a very nice lady who follows me on FB and is looking for quality firearms training. She lives Northeast of Dallas TX and is looking for something in the area.  I asked around and got a recommendation, but that facility is located Southwest of Dallas and she is not interested in dealing with the traffic.  Apparently it is not fun.  Any suggestions for her?

I really, really, really think if you are a new shooter(anyone actually) you should be reading what Bill has to say.

Someone asked me recently what my favorite thing about writing my blog is.  Can’t answer that question because I get so much from it, but when I get emails from other women telling me that something I said motivated them in someway to make a positive change or two in their life, that means the world to me. Yesterday was a good day for that.  I got 4 such emails.  I have said it before and I will say it again, the person who makes the change or faces the fear or overcomes the obstacle, they get full credit.  Those changes say something about them, about who they are and it says nothing about me, but that I was a tiny part of their step forward(Obama has totally ruined that word for me.  I almost can’t even use it anymore) is pretty cool.

My husband and I have an appointment with the superintendent and “other” staffers tomorrow to discuss the safety issues we are concerned about.   Last night I was thinking about it and I wondered how many other parents have requested a meeting.  Very interested to hear what they have to say.  Wish us luck!

I know you all remember our very first contest winner, Mrs. Groundhog. I love this woman.  We have become friends and have developed what I consider to be a special relationship.  I like that I have been able to encourage her and that she has been such a support to me.  She understands the lingering effects of a bad guy encounter.  She has been instrumental in helping me to accept that this experience is going to be with me for life.  No matter how strong, healthy, and  happy I am, most likely, for the rest of my life something will spark that memory, probably when I least expect it. She never says those words, but as she shares her life with me, her own memories and her strength,  I learn and I grow.

Every time I do a Give-A-Way, I have a bit of a let down after the winner is picked.  I get so excited about the possibilities and I get so inspired by the many women who step up, reach out and take a chance.  I get tickled at the anticipation of another woman saying, “Nope, not me”  “Not gonna be a victim again or ever.”  Then the winner is picked and I feel a sense of loss for those who didn’t get picked by the random number selector. Everyone, every single lady has a story, a reason why she took the step forward and each one deserves to win and even though I know going in they all can’t win, I am still bummed. Life is like that.  The good with the bad. I had no idea anything more would develop out of the contest, but something did.  A wonderful connection with a wonderful woman.

Life is also full of paradoxes.  I set out only to do something for someone else.  To give back to a community that gave so much to me and wouldn’t you know it, I am reaping reward after reward.  I have been extremely fortunate that I have had a chance to get to know Mrs. Groundhog.  She rocks!

If you have not taken the time to get to know her please go visit her husband’s blog and see for yourself.  Mrs. Groundhog completed the first of three shooting courses and her hubby wrote about it.  It’s a great post.  I would encourage you all to leave her words of encouragement as she continues on this journey.

Tango Juliet and I, among other things, share a love and passion for training.  We both travel all over and are relentless in our pursuit of self defense.  He has also been a great source of inspiration to me.  He is farther along on his quest than me and has been more places plus he is a man, so he doesn’t share the same mental blocks, but his enthusiasm and strength encourages me.

Strength not arrogance encourages me.  Arrogance intimidates me and demotivates me to the point of self destruction almost, but strength, that inspires me and moves me to the point that I believe in myself and then I actually do.  It is a trait that all the people I admire, most, have.

TJ recently wrote a fascinating post about a training he just attended.  I think CTone will especially find it interesting, but so will the rest of you.

After I read the post and watched the video over at Legion’s Fate, I thought, well geez, if Arete beat the crap out me like that I would probably would be able to hit him.  Joking, joking.  Not serious Arete, not serious.

Go enjoy.

On Friday afternoon I got to do a little one on one with the man I call Arete.  He is crazy busy, so I don’t get as much time with him as I would like, but I am grateful for every minute I do.

Anyway, we met and did a quick review of what we had done previously.

He showed me a few new things about leg grabs and choke holds.  Different ways to get out of them.  I am used to the just go limp defense, but he should me several other things I could do to get out of a choke hold or at least get my chin between the bad guys arm and my throat, so I can keep breathing.  I don’t want to explain what he shows me because I am afraid I wouldn’t explain it correctly. I really don’t want anyone to try something based on my weak explanation.  That would not be good, but trust me, what he is teaching me is pretty cool.

He likes to just come at me and do things to see how I will react.  This rarely ends well for me, but I am getting better.  In the beginning, I would stand there and freeze cuz, well, that’s what I do when I am nervous.  I freeze.  I can’t think or process information, but not on Friday.  On Friday, I fought back.

Fought back is probably not the right phrase.  I didn’t fight, but I did defended myself.  I blocked punches and I moved.  I wrestled out of leg grabs and avoided getting taken to the ground a few times.  I still did not throw a single punch while we were “fighting”.

He did try to get me to fight though.  He did his traditional “punch me” line. I stood there for a few minutes, but eventually did hit his chest.  He was not so much impressed, so he got the pad and I hit that a few times and did a few knee exercises.

At one point my back was to a baseball field and he asked me if anyone was on the field and I said yes.  He asked who.  I said 3 guys and he asked me what they were doing.  I said watching me and he said yep.  They were not even subtle about it.  They just stood there watching.  Not that I am surprised, it is not everyday that one goes to a park and watches a chic get the crap kicked out of her.  It was probably a sight.

The good thing was that even though I was listening to him and trying to block punches etc, I was still cognizant enough to remember to look around and see who else was at the park.  Later he was talking to me about a woman that was standing at her car.  I looked and then turned back around to listen to him.  After he talked for a bit he asked me if anyone was with her and I said yep a little boy.  He wanted to know what color the boys jacket was.  I thought I knew, but instead of saying I got nervous and said I didn’t know to which he replied what he always replies…”Yes, you do.”  Usually, he is wrong and I don’t know, but I said red.  Bingo, the boy’s jacket was red.  Apparently, it also had a white strip or something.  He is way more detail oriented than me, but I am making progress. 

At the end he was coming at me and punching and I was blocking and he said you can hit back.  I didn’t say anything and so he said, “I know you hate it, but you have to learn to become the aggressor.”  He does not mean this in the literal sense of me going out and attacking people.  He just means, I need to work on the mental block I have about hitting another person.

Just not there yet. He pointed out what has been pointed out a millions times…it is a process.  Can’t undo years of conditioning in a few months. I did think I would be able to hit him.  I went to the park fulling planning on punching him. I was surprised and a tiny bit frustrated that when it came time to do it, I couldn’t, but I was pretty pleased with what I did do.

I know he is not coming at me with everything he has and that if he wanted to he could stop me in a second, but for what he is showing me, I am learning and I am able to apply it.

I am there first and foremost to learn how to defend myself, but I have a crazy good time doing it.  Even when I am frustrated or nervous or covered in bruises…I love it!

I passed. I have a lot to say about the NRA Instructor course, but I am going to need a little more sleep and some time to process everything.

Like always the people in the class made it a joy. I was In the class with 7  guys, one who was deaf, and they were all awesome.

The people at Innovative Defensive Solutions are doing great things and if your in the area you should consider taking a course from them.

I am extremely glad this weekend is over. I am mentally and physically exhausted.

Now off to go catch up on everything you all did while I was in class.

I spent all day in class for day 1 of my NRA Basic Pistol Instructor course, so I am exhausted, but I wanted to let you know it is going well and to tell you on Friday I met with Arete for a couple of hours of training. 

I will give you the entire scoop on both, but I here is a hint of how it went Friday…

My left hand, but it could be my right cuz they both are bruised

This is the back of my leg right behind my knee cap.  All my veins are popping out and it was kind of swollen and squishy.

I have bruises all over and to be honest I can’t figure out why.  I certainly felt the hits, kicks, blocks, but at no point was I in pain nor was there a point that I said, “that’ll leave a mark.”  These pics are right after I got home, but by this morning they were a pretty shade of black and blue. 

Hope everyone’s Saturday was fabulous!!!!

In light of recent events in my children’s school district, I have decided to take a more active role in figuring out exactly what our administrations policies and plans are for such events as an active shooter or bomb in a school.  I have inquired before on the most basic level.  I wasn’t sure I liked the answers I was given, but I didn’t have a solution and I had nothing to offer, so instead of dealing with the school directly, I have worked with my children on what I want them to do in an emergency.

I feel like I am in perpetual catch up mode.  There is so much I don’t know, so much I have to learn and trying to prioritize all of it to be sure that we are covering what is important and what is most likely to happen is a constant challenge.  While I have spent a good deal of time talking with my kids about safety in school, it has not be the main area of focus, but because crime in our town is rising rapidly and there is enough suspicious activity in the schools to cause me concern, dealing with it has moved up to the top of the list.

I am extremely reactionary.  If there is a situation good or bad, I react.  One of my favorite things about my husband and John is they calm me.  If I am excited, I am excited and I don’t always stop to see if this things is really good or not.  An example would be when I was offered a chance to be interviewed for a company and I said yes without checking them out.  My husband did check them out and he called me to say,  “Babe, I don’t think you want to do this interview.”  They were sort of a guns with porn kind of business.  Nothing against guns and porn, but not how I want to represent myself.

If something bad happens, I want to skip all the logical steps and go right to fixing it.  IE, showing up in a pawn shop parking lot alone and buying a gun I knew nothing about from a man I knew nothing about.  We all know that worked out, but in hindsight, not a good choice.

Both my husband and John and to some extent Arete, help me to slow down and think, for myself.  Rarely do any of them tell me what to do(they are men, so occasionally that protective nature comes out and I am strongly encouraged one way or the other), but instead they help me focus. By helping me be more aware of my choices and helping me make a conscious decision instead of simply reacting to a circumstance.  That has been one of the most valuable lessons and fortunately, I am a quick learner.  Now almost(recently I dropped the ball on this again, but again it turned out and again I learned a lesson) 100% of the time I check things out first and I have learned to slow down and think things through without needing to run to my husband or John.  I still rely on them, of course, but it is becoming more of an exchange of thoughts and ideas instead of a “talk me off the ledge” kind of thing.

Yesterday I reverted back to reacting.  After the 5th or 6th bomb threat this year at an area school, my first reaction was I need to get my kids OUT of public school.  I called my husband and said, we need to talk about what to do with our kids. He agreed we should have the discussion again.  Revisiting issues as new information becomes available I do think is good, but I was not really meaning lets discuss it, what I really meant was lets get them out.

As with every single parent a lot goes into the choices my husband and I make about our children.  I have always wanted what is best for my kids and I have always actively thought about their lives and their safety, but clearly, I have made some serious mistakes in my choices.  Guilt will occasionally still sneak in and try to influence me.  I don’t believe guilt should ever, ever be a motivating factor in any of my decisions. It offers nothing constructive. I was also feeling fear yesterday.  Not panic and it was not overwhelming, but I was anxious. I do think fear is helpful and can most certainly be a warning that there is danger, but for me, I don’t want it to be a part how I make my choices.

I posted on my AGirl FB page about the latest bomb threat and had lots of good discussion.  One man pointed out that generally bomb threats are not carried out.  People who are intent on doing harm don’t warn you(they do almost always tell someone, but its not a warning)  Anyway, that realization snapped out of my unproductive thinking.  I recognized that I was reacting instead of consciously choosing.  I got on the internet and did some research and I spent sometime in meditation.  Closed my eyes, didn’t pray, but was just still.  Breathing, slowing down, thinking…consciously thinking. 

After a while I decided that I had once again skipped a lot of steps.  I went straight from things are manageable to crisis mode.  I decided it would  serve me and my children well if I took the time to find out if there was an even a problem with how the district is handling these bomb threats.  I know they didn’t handle the notification correctly, but that is not a reason to pull my kids out of school. It is easy to assume, if they can’t even handle the simple task, how can they handle the big ones, but again that is reacting and not factual. What I need is facts. I need to find out exactly what the plan is and how they are implementing those plans. I know we have had threats, so it will be fairly easy to find out how they handled them during and after. At the very least, how they respond to my inquiries will tell me a lot.

As I said before I am more than pleased with the teachers and administrators in this district.  My children have benefited greatly from the education they have received and my husband and I both feel like we are a team with them.  We are very, very involved parents, so I feel like I have a good grasp on who these people are.  I am well aware that the higher up I go the less cooperation can be expected(won’t know til I try) and I do know that the more serious the issues, the less likely they are to move.  I am not expecting acceptable answers, but I am not going in guns ablazin’ either, no pun intended.

For the next several days I will be doing more research and trying to educating myself.  My husband and I will have the meeting with the school officials, hear what they have to say and go from there. 

***One resource that I have returned to again and again as I have discussed options with our kids is an article by Greg Ellifritz.  I am not advising anyone to do anything. Obviously, I do not possess the knowledge or skills to offer advice, but it is a resource I have used and one that may or may not be helpful to others who might be on this journey with me.*** Edited…I forgot to mention that I first heard of Mr. Ellifritz when JD from Guns, Guns, and More Gosh Darn Guns posted one of his articles.  It was there that I found the article on dealing with a rampage shooting.

I find this discussion fascinating.  I was reading Weer’d’s blog and clicked the link to A Day In The Life Of An Ambulance Driver’s blog.  The discussion started here.

I have written half a dozen responses to the posts, but never posted them.  I can’t seem to articulate what I am thinking and I probably couldn’t add any substance to the discussion anyway.

Clearly the values and ideals being discussed have application to more than just to people who want to or threaten to end their life.

My 3 youngest children ride the bus to and from school.  They are special needs, so the bus only has 5 students on it and it comes straight to our house.  The bus normally arrives at our house at 3:30pm. If there is a problem like traffic the bus aide gives me a call to let me know that they are running late.  Yesterday at 3:40 I get an email that says

I want to say that in general I have a very high opinion of my children’s school, their teachers and administrators.  Without exception I believe that they are good people who have shown me time and time again that they do care about my kids and their education.  They are not crazed “zero tolerance’ advocates.  They appear to have common sense when dealing with a variety of issues that come up and they don’t seem to be afraid to use that common sense instead of just blindly following some arbitrary policy put in place by the higher ups.  I trust them with my children.

I also want to say that I am under no delusion that the school could 100% guarantee my children’s safety no matter what plan they have in place.  I get that life is a risk and even if one does everything right, someone could get hurt or die, that is not my problem, my problem is that there seem to be no plan. 

I called and spoke with the principal at our children’s school and pretty much they were caught off guard.  They had a plan to deal with an actual threat, but they didn’t have one if that threat lasted longer than a school day.  Once they(not sure who “they” is) realized there was an issue with the buses, they started to formulate their plan and it was not a good one. 

In a real crisis which they believed they were in, there is chaos and I would not expect the folks at the effected school to worrying about emailing parents or the bus schedule, but there had to be someone else in our district that could have said, Huh, maybe we should get some information out.  Maybe we should do it in a way that does not incite fear and panic.  Apparently there is no such person in our district.

The threat was over before school ended, so it is feasible that someone could have let the families know that 1. The situation had been resolved and no one was hurt. 2. That the buses would be late before they were actually late and 3. Define “substantial delay.”

How about we think proactively.  How about we learn from all the other incidents around the country. How about something like this…

Earlier today at XXX school there was a bomb threat and the school was evacuated.  The situation has been resolved, everyone is safe.  However, due to the evacuation some of the buses are delayed.  Your child/children may arrive home 15-30 minutes later than usual.  If you have any questions please contact  XYZ. 

Now that wasn’t so hard was it?

I now know why I had scattered thoughts yesterday morning.  It was my brain’s way of getting me ready for the mind numbing, sick to my stomach headache it had planned for me later in the day.  Fortunately, I rarely get sick, but when I do have something out of whack, it’s usually way out.  Anyhoo, nothing a good night’s rest and several hundred milligrams of Motrin couldn’t solve.  Much better this morning.

Remember how I said I didn’t shower, but then I told you I lied, well, lying is kind of becoming a thing for me.

I decided not to start the 7 Days Of Conceal Carry this week.  I have been working on something, so that I can offer real solutions for some of you, but it didn’t turn out how I had hoped.  I was just going to try to make it work, but then a friend offered to help, so it’s coming, but not this week.

My man has been out of town and will be home in a few hours.  I have been preoccupied with his arrival, so again no real post.  My plan for the day is to shove put my kids on the bus, head out for a quick run, shower(even gonna shave), take care of 2 must do PTA errands and then do some research(except you know, we are married).

To keep yourselves occupied during this brief(or not so brief, if I’m lucky) absence go here and here. Then go here and here.  After you read up on guns and the antis go here for some rest and relaxation.  I always leave there feeling uplifted, peaceful and usually hungry.