The Never Ending Saga

One last thing on my training with Arete and my inability to hit him. Isn’t going to be the last thing on training just hopefully on “not” hitting him.

Last night my husband and I had a lively discussion.  We were not fighting and it was not contentious or anything like that, but we were passionately discussing whatever.  At one point he said, hit me.  He was just being silly and trying to add levity to a heavy discussion.  Of course, I laughed and said I don’t think so.  He laughed and said it again.  Hit me.  He said, you are all kinds of worked up, I bet you could hurt me. Working on my mindset has become a 24/7 kind of thing for the people in my life, apparently.

As an aside, “all kinds of worked up” for me means, I talk fast and kind of pace around.  No cussing, no throwing of objects, no desire to hurt anyone. 

He was 100% joking and I did not hit him.  This isn’t about the fact that if one is upset they probably shouldn’t go around hitting people.  Of course, not.  My husband isn’t a bad guy and hitting him in anger(I was not angry, anyway) is not part of any kind of training.  He was joking. No one needs to leave a comment about how that should not be my goal.  If anonymous is reading this.  IT WAS A JOKE.

But, it got me thinking…maybe the reason I can’t hit Arete is that he is not a bad guy.  Maybe I have been over thinking things(it has been suggested by a few that I do this)  On Friday when I did not hit him, I was frustrated and the main reason was because it surprised me that I couldn’t, but really it wasn’t that I couldn’t, it was that I didn’t.  There were 2 times that I came very close to hitting him.  He was annoying me and making me mad and when I was getting mad at him, I felt like hitting him.  So, good guy, don’t want to hit you.  Acting like a jerk, kind of want to hit you.  I have never felt like wanting to hit someone before, but I did want to. That’s progress.

If you ask me if I think I could tear a part a bad guy with my bare hands and do whatever it takes to stop his attack,  I will say, yes and I will mean it.  Just like with my gun, I play scenarios over and over in my mind of doing just that.  I try to be as graphic and brutal in my thoughts and my imagination as possible and I never cry or feel bad or think, “Oh, I will never be able to do that.”  Just the opposite.  I think, “I can do that”  and I usually get very motivated and want to call up Arete and say, “Please, please, please meet me I am so ready to hit you”.

Maybe the mental block is not in my lack of wolfness. Maybe it is in my inability to separate out that he is not a bad guy and then over thinking it and then turning it into meaning something it doesn’t.

Maybe I am learning things and maybe my mind is changing and honestly, I do believe to my core that  if a bad guy came after me, I would be able to hit, punch, kick, gouge his eyes out and/or any other number of violent responses to the threat. 

Regardless, I am sick to death of this internal battle. I am done. I am so done.  I did actually for a split second think of driving to his work and saying, enough.  This has to end, now, but I thought better of it. Showing up at a place of business, storming in his office and punching him seems like a situation that would end poorly for me, so I will wait for a scheduled meeting, but  I am telling you, the next time I train, I AM going to hit him.  I think I will wait until he says to though(sorry 45er) cuz  he hits hard and I just don’t think a surprise attack on a trained sniper is a good idea.  Maybe I will save that for the next session or perhaps the one after that…



33 thoughts on “The Never Ending Saga

  1. I think and just an observation, that when it comes down to it when you need to really defend yourself you will. Training is sometimes tough in that sense because to learn sometimes you have to get mad and put your all into it. Maybe Arete needs to make you hate him haha.

    • I agree. I will be able to defend myself if need be.

      I don’t need Arete to make me hate him. Things are going fine. The only problem is my over thinking. I just need to do what I want to do and what I am there to do. Not analyze, not try to overcome anything, just do.

      Thanks for thinking I can defend myself:)

  2. I found, in my training, that I was reluctant, and pulling punches with my instructor. However, it helped me a lot when he used a hand held pad for me to hit, I felt more comfortable hitting the pad. When he missed a block and I accidently hit him, it left a bruise. I think not wanting to hit with full force in training is natural, but we need to know how it feels. I keep a heavy back to wail on, and find that it has helped immensely to throw full force behind my punch.

    • Yep, we have done the pad thing and it did help, but I really hate the pads. Fine for showing technique or something, but I am pretty stubborn on not using pads. He is tough, he can handle it…lol

      He never says so, but I am pretty sure he has a bruise or two from me as well:)

      Your idea about the heavy bag for practice is excellent and I do want to do that. All the things you have told me have been beneficial…thanks!!

    • A Girl- I did have a few bruises and I know that you are fully capable, of defending yourself from a few punches, kicks or even a grab. I get as many dings and banged up parts as you, and I am proud to take those minor aches as we move along in this training.

      “Brotherhood thru Pain.”


  3. This brings to mind something a very good college instructor told us women at one time. We were all in the agricultural classes and taking a horse training class. The men in the class had no problem being assertive and forceful with the wild horses, the women on the other had were gentler and less assertive and several got stepped on/kicked/bitten. The instructor told us that in general men can be aggressive/assertive without being angry. For a women to be aggressive/assertive we more often than not have to be mad or upset. He said it was just they way God made us but that when it came down to it women would be assertive when necessary – we just chose by nature not to go that route first.

    • True enough, but you know what?? I am tired of being a female…don’t get scared, I am not going to have an operation or starting carrying a wallet in my back pocket with a chain connected to my belt, but I am going to be aggressive.

      I know, I know aggression is not the goal either. I should say assertive or some other PC word, but I am not going to. I am going to fight and be mean and vicious and when it’s over I will go back to being sweet, soft spoke AGirl:)

    • interesting anaolgy to the horses, however, when I had a 2 yr old quarter horse, and had to train him, I worked with him slow and easy and ended up with a soft mouth, a gentle disposition and a very affection 2000 pound pet. I find it tough to be agressive until I get angry, then look out. I guess it may be part conditioning, part feminine nature.

      AGirl, stay sweet, kick em where their descendants will feel it and then flash a big smile. 😉

  4. “Love your neighbor as yourself” — but an attacker is not being neighborly, so they’re free to hit!

    I think you are right about the bad-guy angle. That’s actually a good problem to have! I don’t know how to overcome that in training since you obviously train with people you care about, but maybe with the “attacker” wearing a padded suit? Do you practice hitting a heavy bag? That in itself will make you much more effective in time, as you can tell when you are hitting harder. Just a thought.

    • I think your suggestions are good and maybe that is a plan for most people, but for me I don’t want to find ways around confronting my issues. First of all, I think Sport Pilot is right(and he isn’t the only who said it) I over think. There really isn’t a deeper issue. I want to fight. I was pumped after Friday. I could not stop smiling. I loved it. Loved kicking, loved getting hit. Seriously, loved it. Then I started thinking and analyzing and deciding not punching meant this or that. It meant nothing… When I first started I was afraid for the obvious reasons, but as it progressed I was also progressing, so the issue was kind of just left over…

      I don’t think I am making sense…lol. But, honestly, I don’t think I have a problem other than holding on to an old idea that I really don’t believe any more.

      I might just go around punching all my friends…ya know for the sake of trainng:)

  5. “Showing up at a place of business, storming in his office and punching him seems like a situation that would end poorly for me”

    LOL! It surely would! I know you have what it takes and next time you will just “do it”. I’m looking forward to the report 🙂


    • Lol, you are right!

      Not hitting out of anger is not my problem. Getting angry at all is my problem and then once I am angry letting myself stay angry…that’s my problem or was my problem.

      I was trying to add some humor and show that this not hitting issue really is no big deal and I have made it bigger in my head then it is in reality.

  6. I suspect that your trainer is very capable of getting inside your head and provoking you to strike him. I also suspect that he is holding off on this to allow you time enough to come to terms with the moral aspects of physical force. He really sound’s as though he is a good guy.

  7. Thinking back to an old instructor of mine – when I hesitated he simply kicked the crap out of me. Then smiled and asked if I was ready to fight. Careful AGirl, ya might get what you ask for! 🙂 Regardless, hang in there. As Yoda would say: “Train yourself to let go… of everything you fear to lose.”

    • Lol, Ya know what, there is a huge part of me that wishes he would just keep going until I fight back, but the truth is, I wouldn’t fight back. this is not me being weak or needing a little extra motivation or whatever. Up until this point, I could not hit him and “forcing” me to wouldn’t have worked.

      He is not just winging this thing. He knows exactly what he is doing and he knows what I need to succeed. If him beating me up would have got me to break that mental block, he would have done it already.

      I don’t know when it will happen, but it will and I am just going to keep saying it until it does.

      I can’t tell you how much your encouragement means. Thanks!

  8. Awwwwww. Hehe. I know it’s an internal struggle and I have seen many women (and men) that were unable to really let go on this kind of thing. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around because I have a very unique ability to be entirely too logical. 🙂 Personally, I was all excited when you started talking about driving to his work and hitting him. Now that would be a good post.

    • Lol, that would not be a good post. I was 100% joking when I said that. I would not do that, but it is an internal struggle and I need to keep telling my brain I am tough and aggressive and that I am going to hit him until my brain believes me and I do it.

      I am a self motivator. I want to be done with this already. The frustration that comes out in these posts are mine because I hate the struggle. I want to hit him, I do, but…I am not going to finish that sentence because I don’t want to feed my brain negative stuff, but it is an internal struggle.

  9. Aren’t you afraid you will piss him off?

    You talk about him and he could decide to mess with you if he doesn’t like what you say about him.

    • Are you joking? No, I am not. First off he and I don’t communicate through my blog. He already knows what I think and feel. Second, it’s my blog. I have always talked honestly about my thoughts, feelings,nstruggles and occasionally my perviness. I am not going to change that for any reason. Third, if I pissed him off he would tell me, he would not mess with me. Ihe might mess with me, but not how you implied.

      I choose to train with John and Arête. It’s my choice. They can’t mess me and make me do something because I piss them off. This isn’t boot camp. They want me and anyone else they work with to succeed.

    • One more thing…I get the feeling your the one trying to mess with me. I hope that’s not the case. I hope you are simply just curious and shy, but it doesn’t “feel” that way.

      Your welcome here. You can keep posting and I will keep responding, but it might serve us both a little better, if you were more forthright.

    • Not trying to mess with you. I was curious about mentioning going to his work.

    • A Girl- I applaud you for the convictions and posts you send out and you are correct I will not mess with you or take it to a boot camp level. I cannot say I know all of the reasons and the purpose behind the decisions or choices for training, but I respect them and will support them as far as I am allowed. I added a quote that is very appropriate. Not my usual.

      “Knowledge is not power. Knowledge is POTENTIAL power. We have to follow through” – Anthony Robbins


    • I appreciate you saying that anon.

      I am pretty sure he knew I was kidding. Not everyone gets my humor, but most people who know me, probably knew that was a joke.

      You may not know this about me, but I am not really the aggressive type. The odds of me having enough gumption to do something like that are zero.

    • Maybe we do communicate through my blog…lol

      I train because I am tired of being afraid. Mi train because I did not enjoy getting roughed up. I train because I want to know 110% that I can defend myself because both my mind and my skills are prepared to do that. I train because I like to challenge myself. Mi train because even without the self defense aspect it’s the most fun thing in the world to me(ok, second most fun). I train because the more I help myself, the more I can help someone else who might find herself in a similar state of mind.

  10. Now all I can see is you as Inspector Clouseau’s assistant jumping out of closets trying to attack Arete. From now on that is all I will be able to think of when this topic comes up. On a more serious note, yes you’re on the right path, my ribbing aside. I paid for a girlfriend to go through defense training in college when. I found out she had been a victim. She was surprised that she broke down and cried at the first class. I wasn’t. It’s best to work through those feelings in training than if a bad guy comes calling. Just that hesitation and shock is all they want.

    • Bwahahahah. Funny!

      You are such a nice guy. I think you have shared that story with me before and I think it’s great that she had breakthrough. Nothing wrong with crying, but I have never broke down and cried in training and I do not ever plan to:)

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