My Own Worst Enemy

Breaking news here folks…no one can mess you up more than you can mess yourself up or maybe it’s just me.

Occasionally in the past few months I have let other people get into my head and once that happens I am incapable of processing information. It becomes like a very intense ping pong game inside my head.

Ping:You are this or that.

Pong:No you are no this or that.

Ping:Yes you are this or that.

For a while now, I have been crystal clear on where I stand. My beliefs are not so much beliefs anymore as much as they are actually who I am. The thoughts are woven so tightly into the fibers of my mind that I don’t think it’s me, it is me. I have stopped thinking and instead just conducted myself from that place inside me that has become who I am. No second guessing. No analyzing. Just being.

The problem isn’t that I don’t know who I am or what I am capable of, the problem is when I start putting more stock into what someone else says is true of me rather than  holding fast to what I know is true of me. When I allow that to happen, I start to override my own beliefs in favor of theirs and a very ugly internal battle ensues.

No big deal. Lesson learned…again. I am back to my calm, cool, collected, very self-aware self. All is, once again, good to go in AGirlland.

22 thoughts on “My Own Worst Enemy

  1. Umm, with due respect I believe that your perfectly capable of deciding who you are as well as who you may want to become. Your husband and children would more than likely be surprised to learn otherwise. Constructive criticism, suggestions, recommendations or outright demands are purely subjective and should be viewed skeptically until proven sound. Well meaning people can often be a disruptive influence so exercise your right to disagree or ask them to keep their own counsel. In all things’ family, church, work and self always fall into the proper balance with forethought and determination. You have transitionally altered your nurturing side into an alert and suspicious mother wolf mode, be whatever you wish but it appears to me as though you’ve embraced leadership.

    • …constructive criticism, suggestions, recommendations, or outright demands are purely subjective until proven sound…

      That’s what I need to remember. I am still in charge of what I chose to do.

      Thank you for adding clarity.

  2. Don’t let yourself be ruled by anyone or anything. You are strong, you are capable, you are loving, you are tough, you are sweet, your are protective…not trying to tell you who you are, just observations from the time I’ve had the privledge to know you. You are tough and strong and soft and sweet…you are you! I like who you are.

  3. Keep being your awesome self, A Girl! I’m reading what you are doing and I’m just amazed… oh yeah, and I’m jealous too. You should be proud of yourself. At this point you have enough experience that you have the right to question the credentials of those offering advice. Actually, we all have that right but you now have the knowledge to be good judge.

    Keep it up.

  4. You’re such a sweet person. I don’t envy your position and I wish you the best. Men mostly don’t have a tug of war because we can usually only focus on one thing at a time and most of the time it isn’t anything we can share publicly :). A comedian once said that women’s brains must hate them. My wife thought that was funny until she couldn’t get to sleep that night because her brain wouldn’t turn off. I have this weird psychotic thing where I don’t really care much what people think of me. Maybe get halfway to where I am and you’ll be good. Please don’t come all the way over. You’re to sweet for that.

    • 45er, you have said so many supportive and valuable things, but these words were very comforting to me. I am getting stronger, but I swear, I won’t go all the way. I think I told my mom the same thing when I was in college…lol But, I actually mean it this time.

    • Ha, NEVER, Holy crap where would I be without you…

      No one else is the problem. It’s me. It’s my job to know who I am and fight for that. It’s about time I do.

    • True, but ‘outside’ influences are not always what you need… YOU need to make those decisions, not us… Just sayin…

    • You could not be more right and that is exactly my point! Thank you for reiterating it!

      I needed help, I got help, still can use some help, but now I need to step up and find my own strength inside myself instead of depending on others to give me that strength.

      I’m ready. I can do this:)

  5. Heh. Welcome back. As my brother once said, “there’s something like 6 billion people on this planet. I’m not going to try to make every single one of them happy today.” Ya know…for a pain-in-the-rear younger brother, he ain’t half wrong on that one. As for the “well-meaning advice” (I have a co-worker who always explains her control-freak issues as “I’m just trying to be helpful”…yeah….right.), ya just gotta learn to filter the gems from the BS. For instance, my posts/responses are usually 98% BS. I was dead serious, though, when I said “every”.

    • Very good perspective. I

      If someone doesn’t like me, I don’t care. If someone says something rude or mean, I don’t care, but if some one that I value or that I believe has value questions me, my ability or just plain messes with me, that gets to me. I start thinking well there are smart or capable, maybe they do know. Maybe I can’t hang.

      I can hang:)

      You give BS responses to posts…hadn’t noticed:)

  6. From what started out as a lump of clay with jello on top is now settling down into a strong independent structure with a now well defined foundation. Building on that foundation is a never ending process like changing the drapes and the window dressings. It’s fun to watch the process and see people take shape and develop and find out who they are and what they will become and where they are going.

    • You know what tc, it’s annoying that at this age, I am still trying to figure that out…lol. Who I am becoming is so different than anything I ever was or wanted to be, but I have no internal struggle with that…this is what I want.


  7. At the end of the day it’s yourself that you fall asleep with. I might process a lot of information through the day but in the end I have to balance out what is important to me.

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