Hey, don’t come here and be annoying and then email me and be more annoying. I am trying here to be super understanding, but I am pretty much at my limit and the new me is not so much gonna put up with it, so seriously, settle.

However, I did respect your wishes and remove your comments and my response to it.

**Edited for brevity and some of it is personal and private, so I did not include that**

This is midway into the conversation…

A-I knew something was up. I just didn’t say anything.

Me-That would have been a helpful tid bit of information to know.

A-And what would you have said, if I asked what was wrong?

Me-I would have said nothing was wrong.

A-Exactly and then what would have happened “Miss dig my heels in and won’t budge an inch?”

Me-Not really enjoying the mental part of this training. Would rather just be able to fight.

A-Can’t have one without the other.

Me-Yeah, I know. It’s good that I figured it out for myself.

 A pause between texts

A-Did you call me an ass on your blog?

Me-Yes

A-Laughing

Tomorrow and Sunday I work at FPF Training.  It is a Conceal Carry For Self Defensive class and you all know how much I love those.  I am giving you a 3 day warning, so you can prepare yourself for one of my long winded, OH MY GOSH, I LOVE MY LIFE, posts.

On June 2nd, I am heading to Nancy R.’s place for a Kid Shoot!  Never been to one, but I am betting that it will rock!

June 9th is the first National Take Your Daughter To The Range Day and I am about bursting out of my skin with excitement.  So honored to be a part of it!

One last thing, not even worth mentioning really, but it appears that standing by while I get myself worked up into a tizzy then waiting and watching to see if I either pull it together or completely self destruct is a plan of some people. I am not going to mention any names, but is starts with an A and ends with an ASS.  That  might not be the most common way of spelling it though.

Breaking news here folks…no one can mess you up more than you can mess yourself up or maybe it’s just me.

Occasionally in the past few months I have let other people get into my head and once that happens I am incapable of processing information. It becomes like a very intense ping pong game inside my head.

Ping:You are this or that.

Pong:No you are no this or that.

Ping:Yes you are this or that.

For a while now, I have been crystal clear on where I stand. My beliefs are not so much beliefs anymore as much as they are actually who I am. The thoughts are woven so tightly into the fibers of my mind that I don’t think it’s me, it is me. I have stopped thinking and instead just conducted myself from that place inside me that has become who I am. No second guessing. No analyzing. Just being.

The problem isn’t that I don’t know who I am or what I am capable of, the problem is when I start putting more stock into what someone else says is true of me rather than  holding fast to what I know is true of me. When I allow that to happen, I start to override my own beliefs in favor of theirs and a very ugly internal battle ensues.

No big deal. Lesson learned…again. I am back to my calm, cool, collected, very self-aware self. All is, once again, good to go in AGirlland.

Monty On Guns wrote a post called “Five Guns That Changed History”.  He had read an article with the same title, but decided he did not agree with the findings, so he made his own list. Last night I was watching the Military Channel’s Ultimate Weapons. They were listing their top gun choices for close quarter battles which reminded me of Monty’s post, so  I posted that on my FB. Monty liked my status and commented, “Can’t wait to see your list.”

I don’t really have a list for guns that changed history or that I would use if I were in a close quarter military type battle, but I do have my favs.  Here is goes…

5. M1 Garand- Love the history, love the look, love the feel.

4. Mosin-Nagant- Love the history, love the look, love the feel.

3. M1 Garand- Love the kick

2. Mosin-Nagant- Love the kick

1. Tie between the M1 Garand & Mosin-Nagant- They make me happy…REALLY, REALLY HAPPY!!!

Honorable mention-the M&P that sits on my hip-it’s a fairly good equalizer.

Remember the woman who left a comment on my blog and said “you make it sound so easy”? Well, she did connect me right after that post and we have been chit chatting. She wanted me to tell you all that she is doing ok. At that time I encouraged her to think about finding someone she could talk to because as much as I wanted to help, I was not qualified to do so. She was already ready to take that step and she did find a support group at a local hospital. She says it has been a fabulous place for her and she finds hope and strength there.

I think that she is incredibly brave to have reached out and amazingly strong to face this ugliness head and to not take the easy way. To not just sit back and suffer, but to fight the fight and find her way back.

She is not ready to post here again. She said someday she hopes to share her story with all of you, but she just can’t do that yet. She does read the blog though, so feel free to offer her words of support.

I will start. You know this already, but I am so, so, very proud of you!! Your determination to fight for your own life is an inspiration. I know it has been a much longer struggle for you, but you have not given up and for that you should be mighty proud. I am beyond thankful that you left a comment and I am so thankful that I get to be on this journey of healing with you!

One last thing on my training with Arete and my inability to hit him. Isn’t going to be the last thing on training just hopefully on “not” hitting him.

Last night my husband and I had a lively discussion.  We were not fighting and it was not contentious or anything like that, but we were passionately discussing whatever.  At one point he said, hit me.  He was just being silly and trying to add levity to a heavy discussion.  Of course, I laughed and said I don’t think so.  He laughed and said it again.  Hit me.  He said, you are all kinds of worked up, I bet you could hurt me. Working on my mindset has become a 24/7 kind of thing for the people in my life, apparently.

As an aside, “all kinds of worked up” for me means, I talk fast and kind of pace around.  No cussing, no throwing of objects, no desire to hurt anyone. 

He was 100% joking and I did not hit him.  This isn’t about the fact that if one is upset they probably shouldn’t go around hitting people.  Of course, not.  My husband isn’t a bad guy and hitting him in anger(I was not angry, anyway) is not part of any kind of training.  He was joking. No one needs to leave a comment about how that should not be my goal.  If anonymous is reading this.  IT WAS A JOKE.

But, it got me thinking…maybe the reason I can’t hit Arete is that he is not a bad guy.  Maybe I have been over thinking things(it has been suggested by a few that I do this)  On Friday when I did not hit him, I was frustrated and the main reason was because it surprised me that I couldn’t, but really it wasn’t that I couldn’t, it was that I didn’t.  There were 2 times that I came very close to hitting him.  He was annoying me and making me mad and when I was getting mad at him, I felt like hitting him.  So, good guy, don’t want to hit you.  Acting like a jerk, kind of want to hit you.  I have never felt like wanting to hit someone before, but I did want to. That’s progress.

If you ask me if I think I could tear a part a bad guy with my bare hands and do whatever it takes to stop his attack,  I will say, yes and I will mean it.  Just like with my gun, I play scenarios over and over in my mind of doing just that.  I try to be as graphic and brutal in my thoughts and my imagination as possible and I never cry or feel bad or think, “Oh, I will never be able to do that.”  Just the opposite.  I think, “I can do that”  and I usually get very motivated and want to call up Arete and say, “Please, please, please meet me I am so ready to hit you”.

Maybe the mental block is not in my lack of wolfness. Maybe it is in my inability to separate out that he is not a bad guy and then over thinking it and then turning it into meaning something it doesn’t.

Maybe I am learning things and maybe my mind is changing and honestly, I do believe to my core that  if a bad guy came after me, I would be able to hit, punch, kick, gouge his eyes out and/or any other number of violent responses to the threat. 

Regardless, I am sick to death of this internal battle. I am done. I am so done.  I did actually for a split second think of driving to his work and saying, enough.  This has to end, now, but I thought better of it. Showing up at a place of business, storming in his office and punching him seems like a situation that would end poorly for me, so I will wait for a scheduled meeting, but  I am telling you, the next time I train, I AM going to hit him.  I think I will wait until he says to though(sorry 45er) cuz  he hits hard and I just don’t think a surprise attack on a trained sniper is a good idea.  Maybe I will save that for the next session or perhaps the one after that…

I DID IT.  I finished Above Reproach!!!  You people should get this book.  Not gonna tell you anything about it because that would ruin the fun for you, but I will say I loved it! 

There is a very nice lady who follows me on FB and is looking for quality firearms training. She lives Northeast of Dallas TX and is looking for something in the area.  I asked around and got a recommendation, but that facility is located Southwest of Dallas and she is not interested in dealing with the traffic.  Apparently it is not fun.  Any suggestions for her?

I really, really, really think if you are a new shooter(anyone actually) you should be reading what Bill has to say.

Someone asked me recently what my favorite thing about writing my blog is.  Can’t answer that question because I get so much from it, but when I get emails from other women telling me that something I said motivated them in someway to make a positive change or two in their life, that means the world to me. Yesterday was a good day for that.  I got 4 such emails.  I have said it before and I will say it again, the person who makes the change or faces the fear or overcomes the obstacle, they get full credit.  Those changes say something about them, about who they are and it says nothing about me, but that I was a tiny part of their step forward(Obama has totally ruined that word for me.  I almost can’t even use it anymore) is pretty cool.

My husband and I have an appointment with the superintendent and “other” staffers tomorrow to discuss the safety issues we are concerned about.   Last night I was thinking about it and I wondered how many other parents have requested a meeting.  Very interested to hear what they have to say.  Wish us luck!