A few weeks ago Aaron over at Weapon-Blog asked me to write a guest post for his blog. 

Last night I got an email from a lady who read the post and wanted to share some thoughts with me.  She had a bad guy encounter.  A very bad guy encounter and while she had shared part of the story with people, she had not shared all of it.  She didn’t know why, but for some reason, she kept it to herself.  She said when people would ask her and she didn’t tell them everything she would feel guilty, like she was lying.  She said she felt comfort when she read my post because she realized there were parts of my story I hadn’t shared with people.  It was like it was OK for her to not tell everyone or anyone every detail.

I want to explain a little about my story.  Right after the indecent happened my thoughts were on protecting my daughter and staying calm.  I came home to just my son. He is a grown man, but I still felt a need to protect him and my daughter from the ugliness that happened. I was shaken, I had some scraps, but nothing that screamed I have been attacked.  Every ounce of my energy was on staying calm, so I didn’t scare my daughter.  I acted like nothing happened and only shared the bare minimum with my son.  Surviving and moving on were my goals, period. After a while, it just became my story.  I don’t think I consciously decided not to tell every detail, but looking back I can see that how I was raised, who I had become influenced my silence. Up until a few weeks ago, I really rarely, if ever thought about that day, but one night at dinner, my 8 year old started talking about the day.  She had seen way more than I had realized.  She saw mommy fall and she saw the bad guy hurt me.  I never knew.  She described him to a T and then she started to bring out pictures she had being drawing…monster like figures with the same blond hair and creepy eyes of that man.  The eyes were unbelievably accurate. I had without realizing it made her be silent.  I didn’t talk about it, so she didn’t.  She needed to talk about it and so we did, we do. The little break down a few weeks back, this was the catalyst(which I also didn’t share with anyone).  Her dinner revelation, her pictures, her words(which I will not share now and maybe never, that’s her story to tell or not), I had no choice, but to tell the rest of the story. Once I told the story, it wasn’t so bad, so I felt comfortable sharing on a grander scale.

It’s funny because my son would always say, at least he didn’t get you on the ground, you did good and each time, I wanted to say, but “he did”, but each time I said nothing.  I don’t know why.  I don’t know why.  I could probably psychoanalyze it, but here is what I have come to learn these past few months…it doesn’t matter why.

This is my story.  It happened to me.  It effected my family and my friends, for sure, yes, it did, and it hurt them to watch me hurt, but I had to do what I had to do to not let it beat me.

My brain is my my brain.  It helped me handle what I could handle when I could handle it.  I can look back over the past 11 months and say I would have changed this or that and I most certainly would do things so much differently, but here’s is the deal…I did what I could do and I it didn’t beat me.

I was able to use whatever coping skills I had along with the love and support of my family, friends, and this community, to survive and flourish. That’s a win.

So, here is my lesson to anyone who is trying to heal…IT’S YOUR STORY.  Tell whoever you want or no one at all.  Tell them as little or as much as you want. Just because you have a blog or a FaceBook or a friend, doesn’t mean you have to tell anything to anyone you don’t want to tell.

I read a quote on the Cornered Cat’s FaceBook page a while ago and I think applies not only to right after the attack, but to the healing part as well.

“Just so you know, there is no way you can feel about the event that will feel right or comfortable. If you are elated (the battle joy is very real) during or after, you will feel guilty and think there is something wrong with you. If you feel guilty, you will berate yourself for the stupidity of feeling guilty when you had no choice… If you feel nothing, you will wonder what kind of a monster you might be.  

“There is no right way to feel about an that wasn’t ‘right’ by any normal frame of reference…. Whatever you felt, that was the emotional trigger that got you out alive. You don’t need any more justification than that.” ~ Rory Miller in _Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected

Whatever you are feeling and however you choose to handle it, is the right way.  It’s your story to tell or not.

P.S. when I say “however you chose to handle it, is the right way”, I mean as long as you are not harming yourself or others. If you are not dealing or moving forward.  If the pain is to much to handle alone, then I would suggest reaching out and letting someone help you in your process.

Tuesday morning I headed to the range with my son to shoot my new Smith & Wesson M&P 9mm.  I don’t want to give to much away, but I AM CRAZY ABOUT THIS GUN! 

I bought Federal 9mm Luger bullets full metal jacket(FMJ)(in basic terms that just means the tip of the bullet is solid and rounded.  It isn’t hallowed out)in 115 grain. The package also has RN after FMJ, but I have no idea what that means.  I have no idea if that is standard or what my other choices are in this caliber, but that is what the store sold, so that is what I bought.  I did buy some self defense ammo also.  Winchester 9mm Luger jacket hollow point(JHP), 147 grain.  Again, this was my one and only choice. 

Here is my first magazine…

 He is a little crooked.

 Not bad

Second magazine little further out

 My son shot her.  Did very well.  Nice tight groupings.

Rapid fire drill(me)

I don’t know the exact distance, but this was pretty far down range.

I was aiming at the 7.  I thought my shots were low compared to where I had my sites.

 This was at about the 10 yard line.

This is with the self defense 135 grain ammo.  I didn’t feel any difference from the 115 grain, but you can see my shots are not in much of a group.

Things I like…The trigger on this gun is awesome.  I like how my index finger fits on the trigger itself. I don’t know if you can tell in this picture, but the bottom of the trigger kind of curls up and makes for a nice grip for me.  My son has much bigger fingers, so he prefers the straighter trigger of the Glock. I am not sure of all the correct terminology, but when I go from shot to shot(the reset), it is very smooth and quick.  I could feel that on dry fire(shooting the gun without any ammo), but I was surprised at how quickly I could do a double tap(two shots fired quickly back to back) I shot an entire magazine doing 3 rapid shots, then pause, then 3 more etc and it was flawless. I have never done that before and I don’t know why I decided to shoot 3 and then pause, but I did. It was fun!  Between my son and I, we shot 217 rounds through the M&P and did not have a single malfunction. Of course, I like the bigger capacity magazine and the thinner grip. I have very long fingers and a bigger beefier grip is fine with me, but for concealing, I like the thinness of the M&P.

Things I didn’t like…I have always been a pretty good shoot with my weak hand(that’s the right for me), but with this gun, it felt odd.  I just couldn’t get comfortable holding it.  My first few shots with my weak hand were all over the place, but I was able to get it under control.  I have no idea why, but that discouraged me a little.

I also don’t like the take down of this gun(for cleaning).  It is not difficult , but for a lefty it  is awkward to hold down the release tab while pulling the trigger etc.  Not a big deal and I am sure I will get used to it, just saying. 

This didn’t bother me exactly, but one thing that happened to me that has never happened with my Glock is that my hands were covered in black powder. I don’t know if it is the gun, the brand of ammo, or what, but my gun was dirty inside and out and so was I.  I washed my hands 3 times.

All in all I love this gun.  Love it.  I think I am shooting well and it is just feels right. I think with more practice, I will be able to improve my accuracy, especially when I am on the move or drawing from the holster. 

I am not ready to carry it though.  My family keeps asking me if it’s the gun by my bed at night. It isn’t.  I have carried and shot my Glock a lot over the past 11 months and it feels weird not to have her with me. I trust that gun and I trust myself with that gun.  I know it well. I would, of course, grab any gun that was near by and use it in defense of myself or a loved one, but if I have a choice, I am reaching for the Glock .27, for now.

I am super excited to be going back to the range tomorrow to shoot with a friend and then Saturday I will do some holster work with John.  I think I must have been very bored before I found guns.  I am having a blast!!!!!!!

Can you believe it is almost time to draw our winner??  This has been so much fun for me!!

Here is the plan-I will stop accepting entries at midnight on February 3rd.  I will be in bed by then, so when I get up on Saturday, February 4th, I will check my email to see if anyone entered by the deadline. If there is a valid entry I will enter their name, then do the drawing. I am going to video tape the drawing, but I am not going to post the video with the winner because some people have emailed and did not want their name revealed.  I am hoping that the winner will let us all share in her journey and let me blog about it, but I did state that there were no strings attached.  This winner could win the prize, collect and ride off into the sunset.  In keeping my word, I will draw the name, notify the winner and see what she says about letting me, let everyone know.  The only exception is for those of you that left a comment on the blog with no way for me to contact you, if you win, I will have to post your “screen” name in order to notify you. 

Once I notify the winner, she will then contact each of the additional prize donors and work out how to collect her goods.  A couple of donors have contacted me and we have already worked out a system such as an electric gift certificate from GunGoddess.com.

I will do the drawing at 8am on Saturday, February 4th and promptly notify the winner by email.  As soon as she gets back to me, I will let you all know. 

I honestly wish I could hand out more training prizes. Each one of you are remarkable to take this step forward and I pray that you will find a way to get trained this year regardless of the outcome of this Give-A-Way.

GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE!!!!!!!

P.S….As I have already mentioned I thought this would be a little 20 person thing, easy peasy.  It grew to over 200, which thrills me to no end, except that I was unprepared and therefore, didn’t set this up properly.  I am hoping to make this an annual event(I can not promise any additional prizes, but I would like to offer the training to one lady every year until, hopefully, forever:) and trust me I will make many changes.  One being I will assign everyone a number next time, draw the number, post the number and that way, everyone will know right away, but can still be anonymous if they so choose. 

The first time I bought a gun, it was just a week or so after my incident in the grocery store parking lot. I had been reading about guns and whatnot, but really was just desperate to have a firearm, so armed with nothing more than a weeks worth of internet knowledge, I met a guy I didn’t know in the parking lot of a pawn shop and handed over $550 in cash for a gun I knew nothing about.  Now, it all turned out fine, that gun has been mighty good to me and I love it, but ladies and gentleman, that is not the way to do it.

So, for those of you who are new to guns, here is how you do it and for the record, this is exactly how all the experts will tell you how to do it and I probably should have done it their way, but then I would have that cool pawn shop parking lot story…

A few months ago, I saw a video on the XDm 5.25 barrel 9mm and from that video, I decided that was the gun I wanted.  I was so excited by how excited the guy in the video was, I just knew I needed that gun, so I pretty much set out to get it.  Wait, the experts probably won’t suggest you buy a gun based on a dude in a video wetting his pants with excitement, but I am getting there.

I mentioned to a couple of people or pretty much anyone who would listen that I wanted an XDm, so being the amazingly nice folks that they are, many of them including Newbius and Girls With Guns, offered to let me shoot theirs and my lust was confirmed and it turned into a full fledged love affair.  I shot it every chance I got.

In the meantime other folks said, hey why not try this gun or that gun, of course, I did.  One gun I shot was the M&P 9mm and that one felt good too and the more I shot it the more it felt right, but I was torn because I was emotionally attached to that XDm. 

John invited me out to his range and we did all kinds of drills and tests.  I shot my Glock and the XDm of a very nice guy that was there that day also and I shot John’s M&P.  Again, there wasn’t a massive difference between any of the times or accuracies, but in the end I did the best with the M&P, which should have been enough to convince me, but, I am a girl and I am emotional, so I still wanted that XDm.  Wait, the experts probably will not advise that you buy a gun based on your emotional connection to it, especially when your emotions are based on that dude in the video, but I am getting there.

One of my favorite things about my Glock is it’s lack of a manual safety(meaning something I have to do before hand to “unlock” the gun in order for me to fire my first shot) I like being able to draw and shoot.  Both the XDm and the M&P come without a manual safety, but the XDm does have a grip safety(a little “level” on the back of the grip that when you grip the handle will press into the gun and as long as your grip is right, the gun will fire.) which has never been a problem any of the times I shot the XDm.  No matter how I grabbed the gun, it shot, but some people I train with had said that as I advance in my training and do more “rolling” around onto the ground kind of work, the grip safety may become a hindrance for me.

So, I decided that I should keep shooting both guns, shoot a few other as well to include the Glock and to talk, talk, talk to people about their experiences. I went to several gun shops and gun shows and put my hands on everything I could to get a feel for what felt comfortable.  I looked at my targets and I set my emotion aside.  I looked at what I was going to use the gun for, what felt good to me, and what I was able to accomplish with said gun(ie, draw, accuracy etc.). I took my time and once I made my choice, I didn’t rush it or settle.(This is what the experts suggest) Ok, I did try to rush it a couple times, but fate intervened and kept me from jumping the gun, no pun intended.

Finally, yesterday, I went to a reputable gun store with my son and John and purchased a M&P 9mm.  Robb, the gun guy, installed Apex parts, to improve the trigger. If you are new to guns this part might not make sense, but before the trigger was kind of ratchety and the reset(the point where the trigger clicks and lets me fire again) was, not sure the right term, someone will explain this, I hope.  anyway, Robb also switched the gun over to work with my left handedness.  My Glock is made for a right handed person, so I have had to adapt.  Instead of pressing the magazine release with my thumb, I use my index finger etc.  This has not been a problem because, it is all I have ever know, however, last night as I tried to do some dry firing with my new gun, I kept trying to manipulate everything with my index finger.  I don’t think it will take long to get that under control though.

My paperwork took about 15 minutes to get approved.  For some reason this seemed to annoy the folks around me:)

Not a great picture, but there she is…I am off to the range today to do some break in work.  I will let you know she does.

Tonight my husband and I sat down with our older children and watched a Hallmark movie. Yep, a cheesy, sappy, tear jerking, kind of movie. This movie was about a special ed teacher that wanted to take his kids to space camp.

Being the mother of 3 special needs kiddos that have had their challenges, well, of course this movie appealed to me. It was your typical, predictable, cliche flick and yet, it was full of truth, loaded really.

So, here is a teacher fighting the odds and the system and he eventually takes his kids to the camp. Everything is going great when, wham, a kid with “issues” loses it. The teacher gets ready to chase after him when one of the other kids steps up, puts his hand on the teachers shoulder and says, “No, let us go”. “We don’t need you any more”. The teacher looks to his co-worker and says “They don’t need us anymore.” and she says “Isn’t that the point?”

Yep!

Of course, they still need them. We always need people, their support, their love, their encouragement, but it changes. It moves from dependence to empowerment to partnership, to friendship.

There were no guns. Nothing blew up. But there was plenty of fight. Only the thing they were fighting for was a place in this world and I couldn’t help but think, isn’t this what I am fighting for? Isn’t this the point? Helping the least of these, be a little more powerful, a little more confident, a little more independent. Isn’t this the whole point? I reach out to others who help me be stronger, so I can be stronger, so I can help others be stronger. Plus they played Kenny Roger’s The Gambler and that alone hooked me.

You all get it, I know, but it’s still worth saying. The fight is so worth fighting.

Last night we had some friends over for dinner. We have known them for a couple of years as our children went to kindergarten together. We go to their house a couple times a year and they came to ours once or twice. We are close, but still getting to know each other. What each others values are, politics, how we feel about improtant issues, etc.

A few months ago they invited our family out for one of their annual get togethers. My husband was out of town, so it was just me and the kiddos. After things had settled a bit and most of the other people had left, I was sitting and talking to our friends about our current president and my lack of appreciation for his stance on the 2nd Amendment. They agreed with me and we exchanged quips, jabs, the usual banter that takes place among friends. The kids were all running around playing, so they could hear us, but no one was sitting down intently paying attention to what any of us said, which is why I was surprised when they shared this story with us…

A few weeks after the party, their son had a little playmate over for the day. The
little girl had gone into the little boy’s room to look for his nerf guns, but she couldn’t find them. So, finally in frustration she asked the little boy,

“Where are all your guns”

His reply “Obama took’ um”

Last night I received an email alert from our local police department warning abut a suspicious man following a young girl home from school.  I decided to check my personal FB to see if the local newspaper had posted any additional info.  They had…

The Sheriff’s Office is investigating a report of suspicious activity near Freedom Middle School. A male appeared to follow children from the school to a neighboring residence, then lingered in front of the house once the children were inside. He is described as a white male approx 30-40 years old, 6 feet tall, 190 lbs medium build with curly grey hair with a bald spot and close cut grey beard last seen wearing a grey t-shirt, silver wristwatch, blue knee length basketball shorts and white and grey shoes. Citizens are advised to monitor their children carefully and report any suspicious activity to the Sheriff’s Office- 

Later today another update…

At approximately 5:15 p.m. a female 14 year old 8th grade Freedom Middle student
walked back to the school to get her keys which she had forgotten after volleyball
practice which ended at 5:00 p.m. She noticed a white male (description below)
running on the track and remembered seeing him there the day before when she
went home after practice. After retrieving her keys she began to walk home and
noticed the man leave the track and begin to slowly run and walk behind her. The
student called out to a friend who was outside and had him walk her home. Once
inside her residence the suspicious male stopped outside her residence and began
stretching, until a neighbor told him to get off his vehicle. The male then ran to the
end of the street and began stretching again. Once the student’s aunt arrived home
the male ran back toward Freedom Middle School.

The school principal was notified and worked with the Sheriff’s Office last night in
an attempt to identify the male. The student describes the male as follows:

Gray curly/frizzy hair on top of his head with a small bald spot/slick hair on the
back of his head
6’0” 190 thick body shape
Lost of hair on arms
Gray shirt with words on it, blue basketball short to knee length, white sneakers
with gray outline
Drove a white SUV type car that he parked in the bus loop
-walked on track or around the school two days in a row around 5pm

This was on the news and alerts went out and it was in the newspaper and on FB, but this person and no one that he knew came forward. 

 At some point the police said they were patrolling the area and noticed a man fitting the description and decided to question him.

They, the police decided that he is not a bad guy, just a jogger and no one should be worried.  Now, to be honest this doesn’t sit well with me, but that is not the point of this post. 

I make a comment on the story as followed…

I am immensely impressed with this young person. Way to be aware, make good choices and let a trusted adult know! Not her job to decide if he is a good guy or not. She did exactly the right thing!

This is the response from Melissa…

Dang I better be aware of my surroundings when I go out running in neighborhoods…or try to make it obvious I’m just out for a run! Good for the girl to stay aware though…

That is her answer to a kid’s reaction.  A kid.  A girl, basically alone at the age of 14.  This child accused no one of anything.  Not a single person was harmed in this event, but this person, Melissa, thinks it is wrong for the jogger to be inconvenienced.   The jogger, not the child, that is who she is concerned about.

This man very well may be innocent, although I half expect him to turn up on America’s Most Wanted someday, but regardless, this is the message much of society sends to it’s children, it’s women. 

We wouldn’t want to offend an innocent man, so it is better to keep quite and if he happens to mug you, beat you up, rape you, kidnap you or murder you, at least you didn’t cause a scene.  You were a good girl. After all isn’t that what we are looking for?

I am half tempted to post the link and unleash the full force of the gun community on her, but instead I will rant to the ones who already know the truth.  The ones that are already protecting their children and teaching them how be survivors. 

Good gravy, I am mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No wonder we have woman and children who don’t stand up and say STOP! GET BACK! 

I am not blaming society for an individuals responsibility to defend themselves, but if one has no idea, no idea at all and is socialized, embarrassed and harassed into thinking it is wrong to stand up and question the odd behavior of another, well then, there is a good chance that person just might not be equipped, mentally or otherwise to fight back.

When I first started carrying my plan was still not to cause a fuss. To just sit back quietly and carry my gun.  I had planned to blend into the background of life and not draw to much attention to my gun totin’ ways, but that is out the window.  Little by little I have talked a little louder and I have fought a little harder, but this it is, this the straw that broke the quite little ladies back…NO WAY  I WILL BE QUIET!  NO WAY! I will not let Melissa convince  children that they should hush up.  That they should be good little girls.  That they should wait for something bad to happen, before they speak up. Nope, not a chance.

I am in this fight.  I am all in!

Today I met a new friend at my local range because what better way to get to know someone then to share a little lead?

My gun collection consists of a Glock and a Ruger LCP. Not much to offer, but at least I paid for the range time. My new friend has lots to offer. In addition to her sweet personality, she brought an XDm in 9mm, Glock 19(which is also a 9mm), a .22 pistol, and a bodyguard in .380. Do I even have to say how excited I was?

While said friend was loading her magazines with ammo, I shot my Glock 27(that shoots a .40 caliber bullet, if your new)

I breath, I aim, I squeeze, bang…OUCH! What the heck, that hurt. My finger was numb and my hand was stinging. I have had this happen a few other times, but I could not find any rhyme or reason as to why sometimes I shoot my gun and nothing and other times, I can’t hardly handle the sting. I shoot my gun a few more times and decide I am not a fan, so I put it down and start shooting the other guns. First the XDm, then the Glock 9mm, then the Bodygaurd. Actually, I am taking turns with my friend, but that is the order I shot the guns. Then my friend says would you like to shoot the Glock .40 full size. Sure. I shoot and it doesn’t hurt. I am sure the size of the gun impacts recoil, but I just didn’t think the bigger gun was the main difference.

(This where you might be proud because this is where what I have been learning here kicked in.)

My mind was thinking and thinking what is the deal? Finally, I ask my friend what grain her .40 ammo is…she says 155. Mine are 180 grain.

For the purpose of those that might not understand what I am talking about, I am going to give you a very basic explanation. As always, the technicalities of all this I will leave to others, but grain is essential the weight of the bullet. So, you can buy a bullet in a .40 caliber, but it’s weight or grain can vary. You can buy a .40 in 155 grain or 165 grain or 180 grain. There are more choices, but just to give you an idea.

I have understood the differences intellectually, but I didn’t really understand how they effected my shooting, until today. Well, I understood a lighter grain meant the bullet travels faster, but not as far whereas the heavier load goes farther, but at a slower velocity. I am not really a good enough shooter to be able to tell the subtle difference between grains, or so I thought.

After I realized that her .40’s and my .40’s were different grains, I asked if I could shoot my bullets out of her gun. She said yes, so I did. Guess what? It hurt my hand. Not quite as much as when I shot my smaller gun, but my hand still stung after each shot, so, of course, I asked if I could shoot her .40’s out of my gun and since she is unbelievably AWESOME, she said yes. Guess what? No pain! I normally shoot 165 grain, so the 180 grain is brutal on my hands. Too much power for me. I have to say, even though I felt the recipe differently, ny shots were pretty darn good regardless of what I shot. That was pretty cool.

I literally jumped up and down. I figured it out, on my own. I was so excited that I had enough knowledge to think, “hey I wonder if it is the grain” and then to do a little experiment and then to find the answer!!!!

Our hard work is paying off! Thanks for answering my endless questions. I am learning! I am learning!

P.S. I do not like 180 grain, do not like it at all.