I am continually amazed at the on going struggle I have to keep moving forward. Even when I make great strides and am convinced I have conquered and overcome whatever obstacle that was in my way, I find myself dealing with it again and again.
I realized a while ago that the person I had been training with was not going to follow through. Even though I was pretty sure back in December it has taken 5 months for me to find another place to train. I made lots of excuses for him and me and deciding there was not another quality place in the area, but those really were nothing more than excuses.
When I finally accepted that there wasn’t a good reason for me to be doing nothing, I got busy and serious about finding a place to train. By the grace of god and the universe I found it. I called, I emailed, I showed up, I faced all my fears and again, luck was on my side as this place was everything I prayed it would.
It has been eleven days since I had my first class at that gym. Eleven days and I have not been back.I have changed my eating to meet the more stringent training schedule, I have focused on stretching and getting better sleep. I have been dressed with tennis shoes on and bag packed ready to walk out the door only to find some reason not actually get in Jayne(my truck) and go.
I have found a million reasons why I can’t go…it is expensive, my kids need me, my yard needs work, I am probably not going to need those skills anyway and on and on. Everyday I get ready to go and TSM(my man) says good for you and then I say, “but we really need to put the money towards ammo or the carpet.” and he says. “Bullshit.” So, I say, “We are so busy and two nights away from the kids is a lot at this age and he says. “Bullshit.” “Those are all excuses.” “Just go.”
But, I don’t.
One problem with excuses is often times they have a bit of validity. Unless you are independently wealthy most all of us tend to have more than one valid thing that we could be putting our time and money towards. One thing might not even be more valuable than the next, but simply a matter of priority. If I stopped doing this and buying that then I could have plenty of time and money to spend with my kids(which I already to a ton of) and buy what we need and still make it to this place for training. I have, of course, known that all along.
Still, I didn’t go.
The real issue was, has been and remains to be, fear. As I sat here day after day, night after night thinking about this drill and that one and improving and having to spare with strangers who are more skilled, tougher, and who do not give a flying flip about me just flat out scared me to no end.
I was, as many of you know, afraid to train with the guy before too, but it was one on one and I had made a commitment to show up. I was not going to back out on my word to one person. Plus, I had the illusion that someone cared. That it mattered if I showed up. It was as much a character issue for me as it was facing my fears and so character trumped fear. Terrified and nervous, I showed up every single time.
This place doesn’t need my money nor do they care if I in the class or not. Whatever fantasy I have about someone knocking on my door and dragging me to train is nothing more than that…a fantasy.
The real character issue isn’t about the commitment I made to someone else(while important), it really is about my commitment to myself. A commitment I mostly certainly have not honored.
If I want to get stronger, more fit both mentally and physically, if I am serious about doing everything in my power to make myself more prepared to defend my life then I am going to have to give up the fantasy and find the courage to walk out that door.
And I shall.
Today is that day. Today I will be driving my truck, by myself, to the gym. I am going to pay my money and once again stare down that old annoying friend of mine(aka fear) and do what I have set out to do.
Today, I Stand Master…