Last night I finished EMERGENCY by Neil Strauss. Good book. Have a lot to say about it, but that’s for another post.

When I got done I wasn’t tired, so I decided to read FEARLESS. It’s a book about Navy SEAL Adam Brown. Eric Blehm writes about Brown’s life and his death. Like just about any book about those who served and died for our country this one is compelling. I stayed up until 4:10 this morning finishing it.

Adam Brown was a crack addict before he joined the Navy. He had a lot of battles to fight before he ever got to doing what SEALS do. Over half the book is about the struggles he faced trying to overcome that addiction, which for him were life long.

He was not in the fight alone. He wanted to stop using for himself, for his parents, for his wife. Even though he lied, stole, and was actively throwing his life away none of his friends or family(except his older brother. They would repair that relationship) turned their backs on him. They held him accountable, even sent him to jail and left him there, but they never stopped being there for him. He slipped more than once, twice after he became a SEAL, but part of what kept him fighting was having a greater purpose and not wanting to let the people who cared about him down.He screwed up a lot, but he never gave up on anything including himself.

He won the war inside himself because he fought like hell to. He had a will to do so, he had people telling him not so nicely to get his shit together and he had people who just loved him through it.

It’s hard not to feel like a slug after reading about what other people have done to fight for this country. I am a woman, so being a Navy SEAL or sniper was never going to happen even if I hadn’t waited so long to stopping being a wimp, but still I sure wish I would have made some different choices.

The best I can do now is live a life that honors the sacrifices that were made on my behalf. I already do that in a lot of ways everyday, but I think I can do better. I can do more. I can live a life more fearlessly.

Of course, my demons are nothing like his and my contributions to the world pale in comparison, but I can relate in someways. I had the desire to overcome my weaknesses and I had those who would love me through it and without knowing it, I had those who would force me to fight harder than I thought I could.

I have talked before about this community and how I value it, but over the past 15 months, I have developed more intimate and personal relationships with people. These relationships, even the casual ones have been the love part of this equation. If you left even one comment on this blog then you mattered more than you realize. I have been blessed with lots of support from so many.

My husband was(and is) a constant rock and a constant source of gentle encouragement. He was(and is) my safe place and he was never going to tell me to pull it together. But I was lucky because others would take on that role.

After I wrote this post, I got a call from a blogger(he can out himself if he wants or not). He had read the post and immediately called me. We had never talked on the phone before, so there was some pleasant chit chat and then he pretty much said, enough. Not exactly these words, but he said you have been fighting this battle with your mind for a while now and it’s time to stop. He told me I was scaring him with this talk of self doubt and to go back and read the post I had written just a few days earlier. As with Arete the day before, he didn’t yell or cuss, but this man’s voice changed. He was almost stern, but in his voice I knew there was concern.

I had actually never had that kind of concern before. I was not worth the effort to anyone else before so each time life had thrown me a curve ball I had to find the strength inside myself to fight. I always did, but for whatever reason this last fight, the one to get over being a victim in my head was harder to win. I took huge steps forward, but then I always took a step or two back. I was ashamed and embarrassed every time I did.

There is something about having people care unconditionally. Not judging or condemning. It is inspiring. But, when those same people have enough care to face you and say, no more. It’s time to get your shit together, it’s life changing.

It’s life changing because it’s a deeper level of belief. I wasn’t just a sad pathetic woman who couldn’t seem to get a hold of her mind. I was a person they believed could get a hold of her mind and they weren’t going to let me get away with doing anything less. It’s easy to walk away from someone, especially when that person is walking away themselves. It’s hard to stay and fight for them. No one can win a battle unless they are willing to fight, but it’s nice when someone has your back and won’t leave you behind.

Sometimes when your lost you need to find yourself. Sometimes what you need is to be found.

I am probably not going to kill anyone today, but because of people like Adam Brown I am inspired to be more fearless and because of the love, care, support, and the not-always-so-gentle kick in the backside, I know that I can and will fight should the need arise.