Last night I got home from work and my husband says to me, you would have been very proud of your daughter today. Now, this really isn’t all that hard a task to accomplish, my daughter makes it pretty easy for me to be proud of her everyday, but I am curious, so ask M, what’s up. As a reminder M is my 14 who is not fond of shooting or discussing self defense and she does not like me fighting with Arete at all. Her conditioning by me has been one of my biggest regrets and greatest concerns. So, M tells me her story… Mom, dad needed to take A to her friend’s birthday party up the street, so I stayed home with E & H. Doors locked, alarm set all is fine, but then there is a knock on the door. I took a look and at first I thought it was a delivery man, so no big deal(she knows not to open the door for any reason. Our younger children are not even allowed to open the door for me or my husband. The rules in our house is no one answers the door except for an adult unless you have asked first. None of our children including our 6 year has broke this rule)time passes and she said for some reason she decided to check and see if he was still there. Mom, I have been home before when someone knocked and no big deal, but something just didn’t feel right, so I went to take a look. He wasnt really doing anything wrong, but the way he was looking around at the windows made me uncomfortable. I looked at him and realized he wasn’t a delivery man. His uniform was more like a landscaper, but something about his clothes didn’t fit. I got E & H and put them in the same room. Mom, they didn’t even question me. When I gave them the command(we have practiced this) they went without a peep. Then I called dad. She said eventually, the guy went away and my husband came home, checked everything out. I told her great job, perfect, but I have a question. I told her I was just curious and there was no wrong answer, but before I could get the question out, she said, “Yes, mom, I went to the gun.” If you thought my smile was big when I shot the Garand… Even though she has fought me every step of the way, I have insisted on her shooting, practicing different scenarios and talking things through with me. When we do these things it goes like this, “Hey, M, let’s practice what would happen if someone comes to the door.” “Ugh, mom, I really don’t want to.” “Yeah, I know, but it’s important so just give me 5 minutes. I say it like I am asking, but I am not. She knows we are having this conversation. We run through the steps. When I think we are good, I tell her I love her, she rolls her eyes, hugs me, and says something like, you’re so weird. 100% of the time I walk away from those encounters wondering if I am making a difference. If I am getting through to her. I wonder if I should be more forceful and push her a little harder. Who knows. I don’t have all the answers. It certainty has been a struggle, but when she found herself in one of “those” situations, she did everything right. She trusted her gut, she stayed calm, she followed the plan, she was perfect. My husband was right(he usually is). I was and am mighty, mighty proud of her! ***We have lots of security layers built in to her being home “alone” as in she really isn’t. I am obviously not going to go into what I mean specifically on the Internet, but the point is, she thought she was and she did the right things.

The other day a woman left a comment on my blog post about how she had written a post about her childhood and the abuses she suffered on her blog.  I immediately headed over to her blog and we have exchanged a few emails.

 I am amazed at how similar we are in terms of how we have dealt with the abuse.  I thought I was the only one who didn’t talk, who didn’t cry, who was happy all the time.  Actually, I never thought that, I didn’t think anything because I didn’t know I was coping, I just was. While I have not gotten into the specific of my abuse, she goes into graphic detail about what happened to her and she is asking for support.  I think she is so very, very brave. Except for my husband I have never talked about my childhood.  I have shared a little with friends here and there, but nothing much beyond it was abusive.  Maybe an alcoholic joke here or there. You all know how long it took me to tell you the whole story about that day in March.  Through her and others,  I am learning that I am not so unique.  That children who are severely abused hide things about emotions and feelings.  They get good at putting on a happy face and stuffing the pain so deep it can’t be felt.  That is probably why I was able to hide the truth about my attack for so long.  If E hadn’t decided at dinner to tell the whole story I might still be living that lie(The lie of the attack not my childhood.  My childhood does not haunt me).  Thank God I am not.  Thank God I saw her face and the pain and said, nope, no more, it’s time to face what happened and deal.  It may have seemed like a long painful process, but it hasn’t been that long.  There is healing in sharing and in support.

Her story is not an easy one to read.  Much like Garand Girl, her story is a hard pill to swallow, but I ask that you go anyway and that you offer her support and compassion.

I  want to say thank you to everyone that has helped me these past few months.  You have no idea what it means to me.  I have a chance to say thank you all the time to my husband, John and Arete, but not often enough to all of you.  You are not just helping a woman, me, get stronger, you are helping me to be stronger and that makes me a better mother, a better friend, a better member of society.  I have learned more about myself and self defense for sure, but in doing so I have gained the courage to stand up and take responsibility for my community, my government and my place in it.  It would have been easy to brush me off, but you didn’t and you effected more than you know.  

Last night my phone dinged that ding that says, “new email” has arrived.  I checked and there was an email from a woman asking me about holsters.  I was at the pool, so I had time and answered it right then.  She sent one back and said she actually had sent that email months ago.  Strange.  So, if you sent me an email and I did not respond, it means I didn’t get it. I apologize if that is the case.

Wanted to clarify a few things about training with Arete based on an email I got this morning.  We don’t just go out that and hit each other.  He explains things to me first.  He will maybe set up a scenario like what if someone is going for your gun.  Currently he is a little annoyed with me because I was suppose to bring a blue gun to the last 2 sessions and I didn’t, but lets not go there.  He will set up how they might do that, explain what my options are, then we go over that 2 or 3 times in slow motion, then faster and then we ‘fight’.  When we fight, he mixes in everything he has taught me to that point and in theory, I apply said skills and overcome or if all else fails I just kick and punch and flail(interesting tid bit) until he lets me go or slams me on the ground. Also, if I am fighting him he will talk to me at the same time and say kick or punch or what are you suppose to be doing.  He comes at me and at the same time will ask me how many people are behind me.  He is training me to not just be focused on the one person in front of me and to be mindful of what is around me all the time even when I am engaged in something else.  Nothing like having fist coming at you and someone saying, “How many people are on the field”  “What color hat is on the 3rd guy from the left.”  I used to think, are you fricken kidding me, I don’t know.  Now, I can block a punch and answer at the same time and about 70% of the time I am right..  Sometimes I don’t know so I lie(which is huge because before it never would of occurred to me to lie) hoping I can fool him.  Yesterday it worked.   He asked me how many people were on the field and I said none.  I had no idea, but I didn’t remember seeing anyone when I first got there.  He said, “Nope,one”, “Look”, but when I turned around that person had walked off the field.  He said, “You got lucky”  Hey, a win is a win dude.

Yesterday, we did the “Hey, can I have your money deal.”  I hate it.  I hate going back there.  Hate it.  So, without warning he starts walking towards me and says, “can I have some money”.  I step back and say no.  He walks towards me and says, “Come on. just give me some money”.  I walk back and to the left and say no.  I am aware there is a fence next to me and I don’t want him to be able to get me backed up to it, so I walk the the other way.  He asks a few more times and I say no.  He rushes at me, but I move back and to the side, so he misses.  He tells me that was all good, but he asks me why didn’t I give the commands I have learned when training with my gun.  Why didn’t I say stop, get back?  Why didn’t I draw my gun?  He tells me I need to do a better job of incorporating my gun training with his training. He also tells me my instincts to move are good.  That is a lesson I have learned well from John.  I don’t ever stay in one place if someone comes at me.  I move immediately. I never stay in one place to reload or fix a malfunction.

A lot of the training is based on him simply grabbing my wrist and showing me how to get out of that, get some distance and draw.  He grabs my wrist nonstop.  My wrist are solid bruises because he grabs hard. Many times he will come at me and if I mess up he will say, what could you have done there?  The answer many times is, you got enough distance, go for your gun. At first if I couldn’t remember exactly what he told me then I would close my eyes and make a huffing noise.  He does not like this.  We have gone from uncross your legs, you don’t have good balance to open your eyes, how do you expect know what is going on. One time I blocked a punch but not how he taught me, so I closed my eyes and made the noise and he was like “what the heck”.  “You blocked the punch that is the point who cares how”.  “Trust yourself and also if you do that again I am coming after you”.  I did do it again and he did come after me.  Guess what?? That was the last time I closed my eyes or huffed.

He is teaching me what to do in a real life attack and not just hey lets scrap.  There is a defined purpose and it isn’t just ass kicking fun, although I think he thinks its a hoot to watch me flinch when he hits me, which I rarely do. 

Last thing, THANK YOU, truly, thank you.

Yesterday after my training with Arete, I came home, wrote a quick post(I was pretty excited) and then gathered up my kids to head to swim team.  As I sat there chit chatting with the other moms and dads, my chest began to hurt.  Hurt to breath, hurt to move, hurt not to move, HURT, HURT, HURT.  Each hour it got worse and worse, so my husband grabbed me some Tylenol in hopes it would help.  It did not.  I didn’t whine or cry, but by the time I got home everything I did sent a wave of pain through my body.  It was painful just to slice the pork for the tacos. I thought tomorrow morning is gonna suck.  To my surprise, I am actually not in much pain.  My chest is sore, but totally bearable and although completely covered in bruises from head to toe, I don’t really ache.  I am seriously tough as nails people. Tough as nails.

I am super relieved about this because as I sat there in pain last night I wondered how I was going to get through a long weekend of work.  I considered a flask full of martinis to ease the pain, but new students, guns and alcohol seemed like a bad idea.  Plan B was a few thousand milligrams of Vitamin M(Motrin for you non- military types), but looks like Plan C will work…I am gonna be fine.

Good new is that I get to work, bad news is I can’t go to Nancy R’s kid shoot, but my husband is going to attend in my place.  He is bringing E and the one we call The Boy.  I was really looking forward to it, but 1. when you have to work you have to work and 2. I LOVE to work. E is bouncing off the walls in anticipation.  All morning that was the talk at the breakfast table. Hopefully she won’t be too shy. Shy is not a concern with The Boy. I am making goodies today for them to bring and share. 

Really good post over at God, Gals, Guns, Grub.  A few things to think about beyond the normal self defense stuff.

Get over being a victim- check(done with that)
Learn to use a gun- check(gonna keep doing that)
Get a warrior mindset-check(fine tuning that)
Fight with a Marine/MMA dude- check(so, gonna do that again and again and again)

All and all some pretty good accomplishments.  I would say we are well on our way.