For the most part the people in my real life have not known that I carry a gun. I have always had a very small number of friends on my personal Facebook. It has been made up of my close friends and people I have known either most of my life or for a very long time.
I have not posted about guns on there until recently. Over the past several months I have posted a picture here or there of me with Eleanor(my AR) or of the kids at the range and I have even posted a few links to this blog(but people didn’t realize I was AGirl), but I never really spoke about me and guns and I never spoke of the mugging.
I have been trying little by little to integrate my two worlds. Last night I posted an old picture of me with my gun on my hip along with a story of how I almost walked into the kids’ school dressed just like that.
Soon, I had a few friends email or FB message me asking what on earth and what in the world and oh my…
So, today, I came out. Today I told all those people that I had been mugged and that I am not only a gun owner, but a gun carrier.
There has been something very protective and safe about being two people. There is something comforting about having a place where I could still be the old me or at least subconsciousness-ly pretend to be. It was nice for a while and then it became a burden and started to feel heavy.
In the beginning I did not tell them because I did not tell anyone and then I didn’t want them to know. I was embarrassed and ashamed and I had already had the few friends I did tell walk away. Later it just became a nice place to escape. A place where I didn’t have to think about being a victim or what had happened. And I liked holding onto the old me. Even two years later I wasn’t ready to fully walk away from the old Shelby, the one that was never attacked.
With all the good that has come from my waking up, there is still pain. It is faint and hardly even there, but nonetheless, it can be felt from time to time.
The more I have healed and the more I have come to accept all the new aspects of myself the less I have wanted to hide. I have not wanted to be AGirl any more, but be more, just a girl. More Shelby. In fact, the less I want to blog or post on my AGirl facebook and really just talk about guns as part of my everyday life and not so much as an announcement or a revelation. I am, in a way, becoming more private again and yet still wanting to share.
I am not walking away from the blog or guns or my public advocacy for training, awareness, self defense and gun owners. I am just being a little more me and a little less AGirl, if that makes sense.
As of right now no one on my personal facebook has walked away or been anything but supportive Time will tell I guess, but regardless I am feeling lighter than I have felt in a while and a little more whole.