After I was mugged and started attending training to courses to learn how to shoot my gun I hit an all time low in my healing.
In addition to E outing me(if you don’t know the details I apologize. I am not going go into that again right now) the constant comments I would hear in the classes was enough to send my already extremely weak and guilty mind right to the edge of sanity.
It went something like this…
Instructor: What does every bad guy need?
Class: Silence
Instructor: A victim
Then he/she would pull out a list of all the “stupid” things people do to make them prime targets and the full judgement of stupidity was not only implied it was out right stated. Laughs and jokes about how someone freezes in the face of an attack or doesn’t scream would ensue. Usually the instructor would set up a scene where the bad guy grabbed a woman(always a woman cuz men never freeze or find themselves in bad guy situations) and goes to shove her in her car and she does nothing.
At this point everyone is class would say things like , “Who would be so stupid?” “I would never.” “I would fight and scream.” They may very well have. Many people without a single second of training do fight back, but I didn’t, so there I sat being the poster child for the stupidest person on the planet and those experiences began to build in the fibers of my being and I began to see myself as pure filth. I began to blame not the crime, but my reaction to it. For a few months I was so uncomfortable in my own skin, I wasn’t sure how I was going to continue to live in it. I was never not once suicidal and I never not once engaged in any destructive behaviors, but I sure as hell felt like shit. I think that if you go back and read those old posts you can easily find the ones where I was falling apart and fighting everyday not to.
Kathy, who was one of the rare instructors(there were others) who did not do this which is probably why it was in her class that for the first time I complete broke-down in front of others and why my mind started to open up a little and let me see more of how things unfolded that day, wrote an excellent article on fear and freezing. READ IT!
In addition to my experiences in class, in my free time, desperate for information I read blogs by woman like Tam, Brigid, Roberta X and Lima. Strong, secure,no holds bare, not gonna take crap from anyone women who while inspirational only seemed to highlight, in my own mind, my weaknesses and failures. I felt completely ashamed and completely alone.
Let me add that I am not blaming any instructors or any person in the classes for sharing their feelings about how they believe they would or would not react or how stupid the victim is(although I tend to put the full blame of the crime on the criminal and not on the victim). People have every right to say what they think and feel and share in these classes AND I certainly do not blame other women for being strong. Good for them.Those qualities are to be admired and encouraged. I am simply trying to explain how and why I felt how I felt and how certain things were interpreted in my mind.
The mind isn’t always easy to understand.
Other people have shared their stories with me, but I was always kind of the support to them. I did a lot of listening and offering of the shoulder. I was honored and blessed by this and continue to be and there were healing aspects in doing that, but for whatever reason none of those stories were ones I related to. Over the year(It will be 2 years since I was mugged next month) I found ways to heal and to move forward, but there always was a place in my heart reserved for that ugly emotion of guilt. While not active that guilt became a part of my make up and I learned to deal with it or more accurately force it to stay in the background.
I have tried to say this a few times and I can’t find the words. I have sat down to write Lima personally, but my words sound off. I try and try, but all I can come up with is somehow reading her story touched some part in me and helped me feel less alone. That feeling of not being alone helped me heal in ways that nothing else had. I don’t know how to explain it. Our stories are not the same, we are not the same…but something in her words helped me and for that I am grateful.
I have said this before. Each time I write a post like this or like I did the other day I get the urge to pull it down, but I don’t because I hope that maybe there will be something in my words that helps someone else to feel a little less crappy. I can’t do much, but I can try to help add positively to someone else and so I continue to try.
P.S. Only a few more days to toss your name into the hat for the giveaway Thank you to everyone who has shared about it and to those of you who already took the leap of faith to email me your story.
Thank you, it does help.
And now you got me crying READING a blog.
When I read, “In addition to my experiences in class, in my free time, desperate for information I read blogs by woman like Tam, Brigid, Roberta X and Lima. Strong, secure,no holds bare, not gonna take crap from anyone women …” I was like, WHAT?! Me?!? Certainly not how I feel. I guess I wear a pretty good mask.
But then when I read, “I have tried to say this a few times and I can’t find the words. I have sat down to write Lima personally, but my words sound off. I try and try, but all I can come up with is somehow reading her story touched some part in me and helped me feel less alone. That feeling of not being alone helped me heal in ways that nothing else had. I don’t know how to explain it. Our stories are not the same, we are not the same…but something in her words helped me and for that I am grateful.” I started to cry.
That… YOU.. are why I decided to share. No matter how vulnerable it felt. No matter how much I didn’t want/fought to do it. No matter how much it would expose me as NOT the “Strong, secure,no holds bare, not gonna take crap from anyone women” I really felt it needed to be shared. So you would know you aren’t alone.
Please don’t hesitate to contact me. My words are far from perfect and I don’t expect anyone else’s to be. I’d love to talk to you because I admire you and your strength, too. What you said is very true.. we don’t have the same stories.. and I don’t even know all the details of yours (which is perfectly okay, btw), but there are parts of your story that you have shared that have really resonated with me because I felt the exact same way.. not only in the moment but afterward and on the journey to some semblance of healing. Some things and feelings I believe we very much mutually share (as evidenced by our short little conversation on your blog the other day).
I hope we can keep finding ways to encourage each other. I know you’ve encouraged me many times.. I just have a really hard time being personal and letting you know it. Which is one of my many faults.
Just a short comment about this, typically, outstanding article ( or at least one facet of it).
As a man who has faced death more than a few times, I would like to state one thing: when the psychopath had his pistol behind my head and was getting ready to send me off to meet my ancestors, I did NOT kung-fu/ ninja master/ Krav Maga Man, Special Forces Killing Machine, whirl around and disarm him. I DID have that ‘life flashing before my eyes’ experience, which was weird. In less than two seconds, I saw a speeded-up movie of my life, friends, relatives, school, almost every memory, flash past. Was I frozen? I have no idea what I was but had not God sent someone who just happened to walk in at that moment, a woman who saw the scene and screamed loudly thus startling the bastard – then I would not be writing this. My brains would have painted the wall and it would have been ‘game over’. So NO ONE, no matter how many movies they have watched, or books they have read, can know that they will or won’t do when death is a heartbeat away, and thus they have no right to laugh, look down or otherwise belittle what another human being did.
FWIW, after the guy fled, my anger kicked in and I was so insane with rage at what he had done, that I actually chased him on foot, carrying a club, for over a block. Maybe not smart to chase a guy who has a pistol, with a stick, but adrenaline does strange things.
Now, years later, I have been ‘conditioned’, rehearsed, force-on-force taught, professionally trained in situational awareness, and think that I would likely have no problem dispatching anyone who would attempt to bring harm to myself or anyone near me. And I know that you, too, are now as prepared as anyone can be, to do whatever it takes to be the one left standing if the need arises.
We learn from our past experiences, and if we are generous – as you are – then we share our painful lessons with others, from a heart of compassion. Those who would speak lightly about others’ reactions, have much learning to do themselves.
( I am sorry to have rambled – I said a ‘short’ comment. Oops.)
Specifically to “The Freeze:” I have recommended to you before Rory Miller’s “Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected.” He talks a A LOT about “The Freeze,” why it happens, when it happens, most importantly what to do to get out of it. He alsocovers it some on his blog, “Chiron Training.”
http://chirontraining.blogspot.com/
If you haven’t read his books yet, highly recommend you do so. “Facing Violence” is $7.69 on Kindle. A steal. If you don’t have a Kindle, you can get a Kindle Reader for free for your PC or iPhone.
http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Violence-Unexpected-Rory-Miller/dp/1594392137/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1362085912&sr=8-3&keywords=rory+miller
Thanks for the honesty, it’s refreshing and hopefully YOUR honesty will prompt the same in others. And it just might save a life.
AG, I know some of these posts are hard to write. And we (those of us that care about you) are all glad you dig down and write them. For they force us to look inward and see what kind of people we are, or to think about things we haven’t.
I haven’t read any of Lima’s blog (sorry Lima, it’s a big internet, and I didn’t know you existed), but now I’m going to try to find the time. Might not be till after April 15th, but I’ll try to get to it this weekend.
What I really want to get across though, to both of you, is how refreshing it is to see you admitting your needs.
Your need to admit you were petrified, even if somebody makes fun of people who do freeze up, not realizing you’ve been through a hell they never have, and they know not whereof they speak.
Your need to talk about it, even when it’s difficult, in the hope that someone out here in the ether will read it and be helped.
Your ability to admit that you are not locked into what you once were, but that you can grow and change, and that you have made the decision and the effort to do so.
What I really find wonderful though, is being able to follow along as you both realize how much you have inspired each other, without knowing it. I find that extremely wonderful.
Enough rambling. I’ll go back into the woodwork now.
Honey, the “FREEZE” is programmed in our DNA. It comes naturally. The fawn freezes, in a vain attempt to protect itself. The child freezes, in an attempt to become invisible to the predator.
I FROZE for six years as I was being molested as a child.
This wore on my mind throughout my life as I continued to freeze every time my abusive first husband drew back his fist.
At the age of 50, I ended up with a therapist who knew her stuff. When I mentioned my nightmares, THE SAME ONE EVERY NIGHT OF MY LIFE, she asked “what does that dream MEAN?”
I looked at her like she was the worst therapist I’d ever had. Such nonsense! What did a reoccurring dream have to do with anything?
Well, when the word “VICTIM” came to me, the dream stopped, after 40 years.
I was then able to tell her of my past, and she explained I was reacting to the guilt I had for not running away when I was a child, or deflecting the blows from my husband.
Once I understood the “normalcy” of my stupidity, I became kinder to myself.
Try having some compassion for the reactions you had.
Long ago, I wrote to you in response to a post. I said something to the effect that SURVIVING is the key. No matter how that is done…that is key. You have not only survived….. you seem to have thrived.
Getting this post in front of “self-defense experts” is very important. If your instructors had this effect on your mental state, then, that means, they have done this to any number of people, inadvertently. And they did this because they probably have NEVER gone through your experience.
Have you thought of becoming a speaker? Heck, just reading some of your blog posts aloud would qualify. I think that many groups could do much worse than hearing what you have to say.
Yes you did write that to me, thank you!!!
As for doing speaking engagements, in the beginning I could not speak. I could not say the words of what happened. I could write them, but I could not speak. To this day other than my daughter E only one other person knows the full extent of what happened. A lot of my coping came from pretending and refusing to think about it, so talking to others was out of the question. I have, though, done a few talks to women and some mixed groups on my experience and on self defense. I am at a much healthier place and am able to speak articulately on the matter now.
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