For the past few months I have done a lot of soul searching. Not just about that day in the parking lot, but about my life before it and my life after. Trying to figure out why I did what I did or why I didn’t do what I failed to do. As more and more people have read this blog and pointed to old posts they have read, I will go back and reread them too. When I am done I often wonder why did I say the thing I said.
Two things that come up again and again in my posts are my references to being “cute” and the fact that I don’t cuss. I am way past the age of being cute in any context and I actually do not spend hardly any time on my looks. From the time I decide to get ready until the time I am ready is all of 20 minutes. I do not experiment with hairstyles or make up. I like being healthy and fit, but it is not an obsession, so why bring it up?
I have not been a cusser, but it was never anything I identified with. I have never been offended by it and up until I wrote 900 posts about it, I never brought it up. So, why did I?
As many of you know I kept most of the details of my attack to myself. It was not until my 8 year old daughter, who was with me that day started to tell her side that I was forced to admit that, that day was much uglier than I let on. Why?
Well, because I was ashamed. I knew that I did not deserve the support I was getting and I wanted to convince myself and all of you that I was a “good” person. Look, at me I am “pretty” and I don’t cuss and I just made this little tiny mistake by giving the guy money. I am not bad, really I am not. Maybe if I said it enough I would believe it or at least maybe I could make you believe it.
At the time there was no conscious thought. I wrote those things almost unconsciously I would say, but looking back, I can see I was looking for redemption.
It’s one thing not to fight for my life, but to not fight not for my child… What kind of mother…everyone says so. A mother bear or lion protecting her own. It’s natural. It’s primal. Do you know how hard it is to sit with your child, who used to sleep peacefully, but now doesn’t. To sit there night after night knowing that you did not fight for her life? Do you know how hard it is to sit in training after training and hear everyone talk about the stupid victim and how dumb people are, knowing full well, you are the stupid one they mean?
I can tell you, it’s pretty darn hard. I was grasping for things that said I was good.
I should have fought. I should have fought, but I am learning that it doesn’t matter because either way, I was gonna feel like crap.
If you have read She’s a Garand Girl then you know she fought like hell and guess what, she has carried that same shame and self hatred around for years. Today another blogger(I won’t say who because I don’t know if he/she wants me to) sent me a link to Jeanne Assam’s Blog and if you don’t know, she too fought like hell. It has been several years and she is still reeling from the effects of that day. Unfortunately, she has not received much support, in fact, quite the opposite. I am hopefully that all of you will offer her that support. Neither of these women stood by and let the bad guy have his way with them, but the fact remains, even though both of them did everything right, their pain is much the same as mine.
When a bad guy does a bad thing, 100% of the responsibility for every bad thing to follow is HIS fault. I didn’t fight. They did. And we all are writing blogs looking for answers and healing and support. I love my daughter, I do, I swear I do and I will be eternally sorry that I did not fight back, but even if I had, she would be having nightmares and I would still have a journey of healing to travel. When good people are forced to do things they shouldn’t have to do, regardless of how they respond, in the aftermath every insecurity comes right to the surface and when one is trying to overcome something that powerful one grabs at any passing life boat to keep from sinking. I am luckier than most, I have had a lot of lifeboats to grab onto.
I can not speak for anyone other than myself, but I am done. I fucked up. I should have fought. I should have kicked and screamed and clawed and told him to get the hell off of me. I should have made him GET THE HELL OFF of me, but I didn’t and I am done feeling bad about it. I have decided that I will never willing allow anyone to hurt me again. That is just not going to happen. My children are safe because I will fight back. He may kill me and that’s fine, but it will get real fricken ugly before he does. If by the grace of God I make it out of the fight alive, I will not feel guilty. I will not feel sad. I will not spend one more day letting the bad guy get anymore of my life. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Everyone has to walk their own journey and I will be here for however long that takes each you(those that have reached out to me or anyone else that needs a friend), but my prayer for you, if you were a victim of a bad guy, is that you will say ENOUGH, no more, I am DONE! I want you to say my life was worth it that day, whatever day that bad thing happened, and it is worth today. Whatever we have to do. Move, change jobs, find new friends, get help, cry, scream, forgive…Life without joy isn’t worth living and dying isn’t an option, so lets LIVE! Lets find a way to live! For ourselves and to help other women heal. Lets give them good solid examples of women who said, screw you asshole, you are not getting one more second of my life.
I have done a pretty good job of healing and I have been done with the shame and guilt for a while, but the raw emotions of that day has lingered from time to time and I am just no longer willing to let it stay there. The little remnants that are still hanging around, it’s time for them to go. That day the guy got away with some of my flesh, much of my dignity, most of my confidence and all my money except part of a five dollar bill. It ripped and I kept it. I don’t know why, maybe as proof that he didn’t take everything from me, but the reality is, he didn’t. No matter how much my bad guy took from me, no matter how much yours took from you, he didn’t get everything. Do not give him any more.
Today I am throwing that ripped $5 bill away, I don’t need it.