That’s my best Sally Field’s impersonation.

Yesterday I received an Award from The Gun Divas…how crazy cool is that?!!

Here are the rules:

1. Copy and paste the award on our blog.
2. Link back to the blogger who gave us the award
3. Pick our five favorite blogs with less than 200 followers, and leave a comment on their blog to let them know they have received the award.
4. Hope that the five blogs chosen will keep spreading the love and pass it on to five more blogs.

Here we go…

Excels At Nothing– Hilarious, witty, creative. You want to visit this page.

Gun Blog Blacklist -The best place to get all your blogging updates.

Grumpy-This one is not for the faint of heart, but I like going there.

Guns, Guns, Guns, and Gosh Darn More Guns-I don’t know how into these things JD is and he might not want to partake, but his blog is good and it’s worth visiting.

Total Survivalist Libertarian Bitch Fest-Raw, honest, sweet, good stuff.

If you haven’t been to their blogs, I encourage you to go check them out and see what they have to say.

Our winner, only known as Leeann aka JsMe has not contacted me. If anyone in the blog world thinks they know her please tell her to contact me ASAP.

I will give her until Monday night. If I have not heard from her, by then, I will redraw and announce the new winner on Tuesday morning.

Leeann, I really hope to hear from you. I really, really want to give you your prize. I hope you are not contacting me because you are off having a grand time somewhere, which is great, but I need you to send an email to [email protected]

Today my husband and I headed out to meet John and a few other folks out at John’s range for a little ballistic fun.  We varied in level and experience, but as always we met some fantastic people and had a great time.

For the benefit of those who have never taken a shooting class let me explain a little about what happens.  Generally after a safety talk and some in classroom work everyone heads to the range and stands on the line.  For an outdoor range, it is literally a line of people standing shoulder to shoulder with about 5 or 6 feet between them.  Targets are set up in front of each shooter and then drills are called.  You might start out on the 3 yard line and then move back to the 5 or 10 depending.  The drills can be anything from shoot 5 rounds at your pace, center mass to shoot 2 quick rounds, to take one step to the left and shoot until you feel the threat has been taken care of etc.  Now, this was not a class.  This was just a few friends getting together to run the paces through a new gun, tighten up some techniques and blow the crap out of man sized paper.

My husband and one other person there would be what you would consider, skilled, so in the beginning they just stood back and let John work with the rest of us.

We did a variety of drills.  Starting out on the 3 yard line, we shot a bunch of different scenarios. First me, then shooter 2, then shooter 3. Back up to the 5 yard line, me again, then #2, and #3.  Back up to the 10 and again we took turns.  We did some work from the 15 and the 25 yard lines and then John shot my gun a bit to check out the sites and a few other issues.  We shot 9mm FMJ(that’s the non-personal defense stuff) 115 grain and then we shot some 124 or 125 grain to see how they shot from the the 25 yard line.  Not a huge difference, but the groups were tighter with the heavier grain.  This is what we would expect, but it was fun seeing it live instead of just reading about it.

We moved back up to the 7 yard line and did some movement drills, then it was my turn by myself.  Everyone stepped off the line and John, said AGirl, your up.  Ok, I am used to being first and I was not nervous or anything.  Now, I am going to relay this to the best of my recollection.  This will not be word for word and there is some language.

I am standing there with my gun in it’s holster and John is standing behind my right shoulder.  We have done this kind of drill before, where he says ready, I put my hands up, then he says something like knife or gun and I draw my gun and shoot. John is the bad guy or sometimes the nice guy, it depends. For this dialog I will call him guy

-Guy-Hey, can I ask you a question?

-Me- Sure, but please stay back.

-Guy-Oh, ok, I just wanted to ask you a question.(he says this louder and with more purpose in his voice.)

-Me, I put my hand up and out and say, Stay Back.

Guy-Ok, Ok, I don’t want to scare you, I just want to ask you for some money.

Now, you may realize those are the exact words the bad guy in the parking lot used when he approached me.

Me- Stop!

Guy-I am. I don’t want to scare you I just want a little money. Come on it’s no big deal.  I just want some money. 

His voice is getting louder and more aggressive.

This goes on a couple times, but he is getting louder and says something like, GIVE ME YOUR MONEY, BITCH

Me- I draw my gun and say GET BACK.

Guy- Hey, you stupid bitch,  I just want some money.

 Me- If you take one more step, I will shoot you.

I am not sure exactly what he said, because I was shaking and my hearing was kind of coming and going.  I heard MOTHER FUCKER, BITCH, I AM GOING TO GET YOU. 

I just stood there.  I never took my eyes off of him and I just stood there with my gun on him and my finger off the trigger. At one point I put my finger in the trigger well, but then took it out again.

Guy-Your not gonna shoot me.  You won’t shoot.

Me-If you move again, I WILL shoot you.

John says…and the guy leaves, it’s over.

I was very surprised at how real this felt.  I was calm and ready for my drill, but the second he said, “I don’t want to scare you”, I was right back in that parking lot.  Not my mind, me.  I was not thinking.  I was there.  The target in front of me was not paper.  I literally saw the guy’s face.  I was face to face with the blond haired creepy-eyed dude from my attack.  This may seem strange, but on the way home I talked to my husband about how I was feeling.  He has worked with a lot of PTSD guys and other people that have experienced trauma and he said, when people have been in a stressful situation the mind remembers it and certain things can jar it back to that place. He said “It was real for you” “You were right back there”. My husband still can’t drive across the desert in California without being taken back to Iraq.

This was an important drill for me because it showed that I won’t just automatically shoot.  I didn’t get scared, pull my gun and take the guy out.  I was calm and I was deliberate and I did not shoot, BUT, I would have. In my mind I said, if he moves, I will shoot.

It is worth saying here, that I was in a safe place.  My husband was there.  We were in a remote place with people who know what they were doing.  I didn’t ask, but I assume they were ready in case I didn’t handle it.  In case I froze, or dropped the gun or whatever, but I didn’t.  It is also worth mentioning these people know me.  They know me and they knew I was ready for this step.  I didn’t.  I never even thought about reenacting that day and I had no idea it was going to happen.

After John said, it’s over, I calmly reholstered my gun and he said, you did good. Now, lets shoot the mother fucker.

I got on the line, John called out gun, I drew and I shot. 

We had 222 entries for this Give-A-Way…AWESOME!!!!!  To say I was blown away by the numbers that kept coming in would be an understatement.  So very cool!!

I did not feel like it would give everyone a fair shot for me to just stick the names in a hat, so instead I used a computer program called “The Hat”.  I put in all the names, hit pick, and out came the name.

Remember how I said I would not post the name publicly unless I didn’t have another way to contact the winner…well, that’s what happened, so…

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!  Please contact me at [email protected].

Thank you to everyone who entered.  This has been a wonderful experience for me and I have been deeply touched and moved by your stories. I wish you all continued success on your journeys and I would love to still be a part of them!

A few weeks ago Aaron over at Weapon-Blog asked me to write a guest post for his blog. 

Last night I got an email from a lady who read the post and wanted to share some thoughts with me.  She had a bad guy encounter.  A very bad guy encounter and while she had shared part of the story with people, she had not shared all of it.  She didn’t know why, but for some reason, she kept it to herself.  She said when people would ask her and she didn’t tell them everything she would feel guilty, like she was lying.  She said she felt comfort when she read my post because she realized there were parts of my story I hadn’t shared with people.  It was like it was OK for her to not tell everyone or anyone every detail.

I want to explain a little about my story.  Right after the indecent happened my thoughts were on protecting my daughter and staying calm.  I came home to just my son. He is a grown man, but I still felt a need to protect him and my daughter from the ugliness that happened. I was shaken, I had some scraps, but nothing that screamed I have been attacked.  Every ounce of my energy was on staying calm, so I didn’t scare my daughter.  I acted like nothing happened and only shared the bare minimum with my son.  Surviving and moving on were my goals, period. After a while, it just became my story.  I don’t think I consciously decided not to tell every detail, but looking back I can see that how I was raised, who I had become influenced my silence. Up until a few weeks ago, I really rarely, if ever thought about that day, but one night at dinner, my 8 year old started talking about the day.  She had seen way more than I had realized.  She saw mommy fall and she saw the bad guy hurt me.  I never knew.  She described him to a T and then she started to bring out pictures she had being drawing…monster like figures with the same blond hair and creepy eyes of that man.  The eyes were unbelievably accurate. I had without realizing it made her be silent.  I didn’t talk about it, so she didn’t.  She needed to talk about it and so we did, we do. The little break down a few weeks back, this was the catalyst(which I also didn’t share with anyone).  Her dinner revelation, her pictures, her words(which I will not share now and maybe never, that’s her story to tell or not), I had no choice, but to tell the rest of the story. Once I told the story, it wasn’t so bad, so I felt comfortable sharing on a grander scale.

It’s funny because my son would always say, at least he didn’t get you on the ground, you did good and each time, I wanted to say, but “he did”, but each time I said nothing.  I don’t know why.  I don’t know why.  I could probably psychoanalyze it, but here is what I have come to learn these past few months…it doesn’t matter why.

This is my story.  It happened to me.  It effected my family and my friends, for sure, yes, it did, and it hurt them to watch me hurt, but I had to do what I had to do to not let it beat me.

My brain is my my brain.  It helped me handle what I could handle when I could handle it.  I can look back over the past 11 months and say I would have changed this or that and I most certainly would do things so much differently, but here’s is the deal…I did what I could do and I it didn’t beat me.

I was able to use whatever coping skills I had along with the love and support of my family, friends, and this community, to survive and flourish. That’s a win.

So, here is my lesson to anyone who is trying to heal…IT’S YOUR STORY.  Tell whoever you want or no one at all.  Tell them as little or as much as you want. Just because you have a blog or a FaceBook or a friend, doesn’t mean you have to tell anything to anyone you don’t want to tell.

I read a quote on the Cornered Cat’s FaceBook page a while ago and I think applies not only to right after the attack, but to the healing part as well.

“Just so you know, there is no way you can feel about the event that will feel right or comfortable. If you are elated (the battle joy is very real) during or after, you will feel guilty and think there is something wrong with you. If you feel guilty, you will berate yourself for the stupidity of feeling guilty when you had no choice… If you feel nothing, you will wonder what kind of a monster you might be.  

“There is no right way to feel about an that wasn’t ‘right’ by any normal frame of reference…. Whatever you felt, that was the emotional trigger that got you out alive. You don’t need any more justification than that.” ~ Rory Miller in _Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected

Whatever you are feeling and however you choose to handle it, is the right way.  It’s your story to tell or not.

P.S. when I say “however you chose to handle it, is the right way”, I mean as long as you are not harming yourself or others. If you are not dealing or moving forward.  If the pain is to much to handle alone, then I would suggest reaching out and letting someone help you in your process.

Tuesday morning I headed to the range with my son to shoot my new Smith & Wesson M&P 9mm.  I don’t want to give to much away, but I AM CRAZY ABOUT THIS GUN! 

I bought Federal 9mm Luger bullets full metal jacket(FMJ)(in basic terms that just means the tip of the bullet is solid and rounded.  It isn’t hallowed out)in 115 grain. The package also has RN after FMJ, but I have no idea what that means.  I have no idea if that is standard or what my other choices are in this caliber, but that is what the store sold, so that is what I bought.  I did buy some self defense ammo also.  Winchester 9mm Luger jacket hollow point(JHP), 147 grain.  Again, this was my one and only choice. 

Here is my first magazine…

 He is a little crooked.

 Not bad

Second magazine little further out

 My son shot her.  Did very well.  Nice tight groupings.

Rapid fire drill(me)

I don’t know the exact distance, but this was pretty far down range.

I was aiming at the 7.  I thought my shots were low compared to where I had my sites.

 This was at about the 10 yard line.

This is with the self defense 135 grain ammo.  I didn’t feel any difference from the 115 grain, but you can see my shots are not in much of a group.

Things I like…The trigger on this gun is awesome.  I like how my index finger fits on the trigger itself. I don’t know if you can tell in this picture, but the bottom of the trigger kind of curls up and makes for a nice grip for me.  My son has much bigger fingers, so he prefers the straighter trigger of the Glock. I am not sure of all the correct terminology, but when I go from shot to shot(the reset), it is very smooth and quick.  I could feel that on dry fire(shooting the gun without any ammo), but I was surprised at how quickly I could do a double tap(two shots fired quickly back to back) I shot an entire magazine doing 3 rapid shots, then pause, then 3 more etc and it was flawless. I have never done that before and I don’t know why I decided to shoot 3 and then pause, but I did. It was fun!  Between my son and I, we shot 217 rounds through the M&P and did not have a single malfunction. Of course, I like the bigger capacity magazine and the thinner grip. I have very long fingers and a bigger beefier grip is fine with me, but for concealing, I like the thinness of the M&P.

Things I didn’t like…I have always been a pretty good shoot with my weak hand(that’s the right for me), but with this gun, it felt odd.  I just couldn’t get comfortable holding it.  My first few shots with my weak hand were all over the place, but I was able to get it under control.  I have no idea why, but that discouraged me a little.

I also don’t like the take down of this gun(for cleaning).  It is not difficult , but for a lefty it  is awkward to hold down the release tab while pulling the trigger etc.  Not a big deal and I am sure I will get used to it, just saying. 

This didn’t bother me exactly, but one thing that happened to me that has never happened with my Glock is that my hands were covered in black powder. I don’t know if it is the gun, the brand of ammo, or what, but my gun was dirty inside and out and so was I.  I washed my hands 3 times.

All in all I love this gun.  Love it.  I think I am shooting well and it is just feels right. I think with more practice, I will be able to improve my accuracy, especially when I am on the move or drawing from the holster. 

I am not ready to carry it though.  My family keeps asking me if it’s the gun by my bed at night. It isn’t.  I have carried and shot my Glock a lot over the past 11 months and it feels weird not to have her with me. I trust that gun and I trust myself with that gun.  I know it well. I would, of course, grab any gun that was near by and use it in defense of myself or a loved one, but if I have a choice, I am reaching for the Glock .27, for now.

I am super excited to be going back to the range tomorrow to shoot with a friend and then Saturday I will do some holster work with John.  I think I must have been very bored before I found guns.  I am having a blast!!!!!!!

Can you believe it is almost time to draw our winner??  This has been so much fun for me!!

Here is the plan-I will stop accepting entries at midnight on February 3rd.  I will be in bed by then, so when I get up on Saturday, February 4th, I will check my email to see if anyone entered by the deadline. If there is a valid entry I will enter their name, then do the drawing. I am going to video tape the drawing, but I am not going to post the video with the winner because some people have emailed and did not want their name revealed.  I am hoping that the winner will let us all share in her journey and let me blog about it, but I did state that there were no strings attached.  This winner could win the prize, collect and ride off into the sunset.  In keeping my word, I will draw the name, notify the winner and see what she says about letting me, let everyone know.  The only exception is for those of you that left a comment on the blog with no way for me to contact you, if you win, I will have to post your “screen” name in order to notify you. 

Once I notify the winner, she will then contact each of the additional prize donors and work out how to collect her goods.  A couple of donors have contacted me and we have already worked out a system such as an electric gift certificate from GunGoddess.com.

I will do the drawing at 8am on Saturday, February 4th and promptly notify the winner by email.  As soon as she gets back to me, I will let you all know. 

I honestly wish I could hand out more training prizes. Each one of you are remarkable to take this step forward and I pray that you will find a way to get trained this year regardless of the outcome of this Give-A-Way.

GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE!!!!!!!

P.S….As I have already mentioned I thought this would be a little 20 person thing, easy peasy.  It grew to over 200, which thrills me to no end, except that I was unprepared and therefore, didn’t set this up properly.  I am hoping to make this an annual event(I can not promise any additional prizes, but I would like to offer the training to one lady every year until, hopefully, forever:) and trust me I will make many changes.  One being I will assign everyone a number next time, draw the number, post the number and that way, everyone will know right away, but can still be anonymous if they so choose.