Recently, I received an email from a gentleman who started following my blog after I wrote the Open Letter. He was wondering if I could write my story in one post. He pointed out that in order to follow what happened to me one has to read every post because I never wrote the story in a single post.
I actually get a lot of requests to do this. Every time someone ask me to do it, I think about it. The people always make a compelling argument. Most have read the blog and want to share my experiences with a loved one, but it’s hard for them to get a spouse, a girlfriend, a coworker to read the entire blog. It would be helpful if I could write my story concisely. Each time I explain why I have not done so, I am met with kindness and understanding. The response from this man was no exception.
Here is the problem: as crazy and insane as some of my posts are about that day they are true representations of what I was going through. They tell the story. The fear, the uncertainty, the inability to say what happened. Trying to making everything alright, trying to appear alright, wanting to be alright. Burring my feelings. The anger, the loneliness, the craziness I felt after E revealed the truth. The shame, the guilt, the emptiness. How it came out was authentically how I felt. My story is spread out over several posts because that is how I dealt with what happened…in pieces. There are still many details of that day that I have never written about, many I have only spoken about with a few and some I have never spoke about. I write it either as I am able to deal with it or as a way to help me deal with it.
On the rare occasion I have sat down to write the complete ordeal out, I draw a blank. I can’t find the words. Everything I write seems contrived and sensationalized. I don’t know how to tell my story in that way. I just don’t think it is possible for me to do and for that I apologize. My story is found throughout this blog and for now that is how it will have to remain.
Some ask if I could just go through the posts and organize them on the side bar. That does seem like a good alternative, but I am not ready to revisit them. I didn’t mean for this blog to become anything, so I didn’t tag or organize it, honestly I didn’t know what a tag was, but my poor computer skills aside, the point is, for me to find those posts, I would have to read them and I can’t. I have had several online magazines and higher profile blogs ask me to write my story or send a post I have already written about the mugging, but I never have(the one exception was for Aaron). This blog is a journal of my story. Raw, mostly unedited, authentically me. Much of what I have written here is painful and as I have had the ability to move on I have never gone back and reread any post about that day.
The email exchange ended like this…
Of course I understand,
Just know that your story is inspirational and not just to women. I think I prayed for about 20 minutes after reading it the first time. For protection over you and your family and then protection for mine.
God Bless!
He prayed for protection over me…humbled does not even begin to describe what I felt reading those words. How odd that the worst day of my life has brought me so many blessings. I hate that. I hate that so much and yet, I am beyond thankful for it.
I’ve told you before, every event in your life shapes you and makes you who you are today. Despite the bad that day represented, it also represents the birth/awakening/re-emergence of a part of you that had been buried deep since you were a child.
It was truly a blessing and a curse for you that day, but as you’ve posted on your FB page, You can’t change what happened to you, but you sure as he** are not being reduced by it. That reduction is what all predators COUNT on. By his actions, he did predators a huge disservice – through your experiences, your blog, and the people you’ve touched, including me, you have made more people aware and encouraged people to NOT be the victim.
You’ve done some great things, AGirl. For what it is worth, many of us out here are VERY proud of you. Your inspiration and thought-provoking posts help not only you, but us as well.
Hey you, thanks for always taking the time to be a positive voice.
Your right and I know all those things. I am doing very well, happy, no really issues, just wanted to explain that while I am healing fine, I am not interested in reliving it.
I so appreciate the support and confidence. A blessing indeed.
Amen and +1 to what 1911Jeeps said.
Sending you an email…
You are always here…THANK YOU!
Any time!
As I’ve explained to you privately, I got into shooting as a result of a serious threat. He got arrested, I found a love of shooting and a whole new, mostly functional, family. Sometimes wonderful things come from our worst moments.
Yeah, sometimes, but what happened was for me more than terrible and what has been brought into my life has been more than wonderful. The polar opposites, the ying and yang, the destruction and the healing, the harm and the healing…it’s been a profoundly moving experience and for me, but I hate the source.
What 1911Jeeps said. Thank you very much.
Ahh, your here:)
+1 on Jeeps!
Keads…thank you.
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Since starting to read your blog in the last month, I have wondered as well exactly what your story is. It may be a cliche, but Gordon Liddy says “that which does not kill me makes me stronger.” Seems the case here that it has made you a stronger person to better protect yourself and your family. As I told you before, I admire the steps you are taking. Stay strong, train hard, and understand that the firearms community stands behind you.
Thank you. I have so enjoyed our talks. Thanks for commenting here.
Sharing your story here with us is like therapy. You don’t go to a therapist just once, tell your story just once, and are instantly healed. Each time you deal with the story, the event, your perception has been changed. Every moment from *that* moment forward has been changed by that moment.
Healing means moving forward. It’s done at your speed, not ours. It is very brave of you to share your story with us, but it should be done at *your* pace. It’s like you keep your memories in boxes in your mind, and you pick and choose when to open those boxes. You choose when to process, at your speed. You deal with it in your own time, on your own terms. We take what you offer, and learn from it.
I read police reports every day. You would be amazed at how often, during the same interview, suspects and victims will remember something and change their story. It’s not that they’re lying, it’s that they are widening their focus. First it was “I woke up and she was dead.” Half an hour later, it’s “Oh, yeah, I remember thinking she was breathing funny”. The mind is a foggy foggy place.
So, tell your story as you see fit. You are still processing. And heck, it’s so much fun to read your blog, I’ll hang around for the story or the training or the whatever! (but mostly for the fun!)
Its funny…the details of the actual interactions with said bad guy have never changed and they match what E has said to both me and my hubby. I have never revealed any info to her. I only listen and affirm her. But, the details of the things around me, I have remembered more. The more and more my mind lets me see, the more I see ways I could have prevented the actual hands on part. The mind is complex.